What If?

I have been so cocksure of myself lately....the thought that I might even get a BFN on my 1st IVF has not even crossed my mind. I am convinced to the core of my soul it will be a positive....



Whenever I say something negative, my B will always respond "Your wish is granted"....drives me crazy at the time...but he is right...don't be negative, stay focused, keep your eye on that prize, keep striving towards that Goal. So I am probably going to piss my B off with this post...smile



But this morning, I am sitting here and one of the ladies that I have been following has just received the news that her GIFT was a BFN....I was honestly lost for words. And this got my mind thinking, WHAT IF that was me...how do I want people to handle me? What would they say that could even make it slightly better?



I am a typical tortoise personality...I keep my head in the shell until it is safe to come out....



So, I would probably want people to just leave me alone...I will deal with this internally and will let the world know that I am okay...not very healthy, but, hey, thats me!


BUT IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.....BFP HERE I COME...smile

I HATE MY JOB

I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job.

Okay, now that I have got that out of my system....nahhhhh...I still don't feel better. Today, I have been in one of those " I feel sorry for myself and don't you dare take it the F... away from me" moods. I have burst into tears. I have shouted at my staff. I am a miserable b.i.t.c.h. today.

Our computers have been down. So I cannot access my accounts (work wise)..therefore, I am now officially running behind my tight schedule to complete my Management accounts.

My throat is sore and finally, my glorious AF has arrived, accompanied by one hellava PMS queen.

The good news is that I can go and get scanned tomorrow at Vitalab and start my "contraceptive" pill....yippee...I can finally get this ball rolling.

Today, I seriously debated with the Universe. Why do I have to fight for everything in my life? Why can I not just get something good without fighting for it? I am a good person. I treat people and animals well. I give my employer their ounce of flesh. Why..Why...why? Even a simple matter like having a baby is not simple...it is a battle and a fight......

I have seriously started the job hunting....but I think my personality has been so eroded by my ill treatment in this company that I am actually debating my skills. I feel incompetent and under qualified for every position.

Universe, please,....throw me a fricken life line!!!!!!!!!!!!

My First IVF

Today, I got hold of my IVF Co-Ordinator....we are definitely doing our first IVF in March 2010....(yupp, possible Xmas baby in the making).

I am going for a scan next Tuesday. They will be putting me on a contraceptive pill for one month. EEEEKKKKK....I have not been on the pill since I was 21 years old. This will give my ovaries a chance to rest. I will then start my "injections" probably around the 28 Feb 2010.

I will be stimulated for 10 days and then Egg retrieval ...

I am so damn excited, not much is getting me down. I know it will work. There is a little feeling inside of me that says "Brats, its your time now". Maybe I am mad..(not suprising) but I truely believe that everything will be fine.

The Universe has been amazing in sending me little signs. The money was made available. Everything has just fallen into place.

For the first time in a long time, I have started visualising myself being pregnant. I keep talking to my B, saying "When our baby comes, we are going to do........xyz". The excitement has really grown in our little household.

Even though the excitement is there, I do however feel a little surreal. I cannot believe that I am actually here....now....not just talking, thinking but doing...wow, what an incredible feeling

So heres to my first IVF

Surprise...Surprise

My darling B called me this morning and says


"Why are we waiting for April/May for IVF...lets just do it next month"




Eeeeekkkkkk....the thought scared my shitless!!!!!!!!!!!

I Feel Bland

I have not been blogging much this week. I feel somewhat bland. No reason. I just DO!

My week has been quite busy. I shouted at my BFF...then felt terrible about it. She is involved with a man that has been unfaithful..not once..not even twice. Anyone who knows me, knows how strongly I feel about infidelity. I hate it with a passion. To me, there are no excuses..no reasons..It is just wrong, wrong, wrong. But, it is not my place to tell T how to live her life. I am her friend and I will support her "NO MATTER WHAT"....so sending you hugs and kisses.

Then , I call my brother. His stupid bitch of a wife wants a divorce. Now, it turns out...she had an affair. Stupid Whore. (Can you tell I am angry?). My brother is not perfect. He is actually quite dull. BUT, he is a good man. My SIL sits at home all day. My brother gets home after work, cleans the kitchen, makes the supper and helps with the kids. She says that my brother does not talk "her language of love". Well, F... that, what about his language of love. The funny thing is that I love my SIL. We actually get on quite well. BUT guess what, he is my brother...and she is wrong...If my brother were an arshole, I might understand. But you do not leave a marriage because you are bored. Marriage takes work...maybe she is just too damn lazy...grrrrr

Ahhhhh....why the world turns in so many directions..I don't know..it just keeps us spinning

I put my CV on the market this week and I believe that the Universe will provide me with the perfect opportunity...so I am holding thumbs

I had a good conversation with my BFF about Donor Sperm. It was nice to know that should I decide to go that route, that I have support. Too many people voice their opinion about using a Donor that I felt shy to talk about it. But reality is...it might be my only opportunity to carry a child. DH and I had a good discussion after last FS visit. Although, he will look at adoption, it would be a last resort. He really wants to go donor if all else fails...so lets see where this road takes us...it will not fail, it will not fail, it will not fail (Universe, hear me loud and clear)

I have a busy Feb...well for me. I am normally such a homebody. I have something planned for every weekend. My Assistants' wedding, my friends baby shower and a "Get together" with some of the fertilicare forum ladies.

I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I need a bloody kick up my arse because of my bland attitude....but then, this too shall pass

So I went to See our Spiritual Healer

I suppose I expected a little too much....I wanted to know everything ...but alas it was not to be.

I focused on the normal issues about family, home, work and children...here are her answers

Family

My Mom is fine but needs to start focussing on herself and her interest

My sister D is doing good

My sister C is doing fine but has a deep sadness...but is not ready to deal with it

My brother G is depressed and will be so for a long time....(this was my only reason for concern)

My Dad is 100% fine but lives in his own world but happily...

My BFF, (yupp you T),I gave you good advise when I said "Get out now"....but alas you will have to be ready to make that decision (still love ya)

Home

My B and I would be moving in the next 2 years to a small holding/farm (ironically we are busy looking for a farm)

My home life is very good and our relationship has 100% blessings from up above

Work

My boss is an irritable man who is deeply uphappy. He needs to assert his authority to feel good. I would not be here for much longer. My boss would miss me and realise just how hard I worked for him

Children

Could not see anything but there was a possibility

I need to start focusing on my new life with my B. My life prior to my B was a shadow of darkness. I carried far too much responsibility. I now have a new life in which I can heal

So nothing new was revealed to me...but thats okay..I am still very happy that I got confirmation about the life that I am living

On a sadder note...this infertility journey had reared its ugly head again...

Last night was the first night my B and I have been intimate since my Laparotomy....yupp, my poor B has been on rations for a long time. It (last night)was wonderful..to say the least

However, immediately afterwards, I just burst into tears...I could not stop it. It felt like a river had burst its banks. The tears just came...the sadness was overwhelming.

My poor B was petrified that he had hurt me physically. However, I was just so sad that our baby would not be concieved in this incredible feeling of love that my B and I have. Instead, it would be chemically produced and fertilised in a dish.

I know, I know....I should be happy that at least I can have a baby. Well, F....that!!!!! It still makes me SAD

On a happier note, My B and I have plans. We are both so tired of urban living. We have been thinking alot about buying a small holding/farm. We went to see a few places this weekend just to get ideas. I have never felt so "right" about moving. I was totally at peace.

We have now made it our goal. By the end of 2010, our house will be on the market and we will be moving to the farm.....yippee

The Ups and Downs of Life

I have had a hectic two days...full of ups and downs.

First lets go to the ups....they are fewer than the downs

Up no 1 - Dr J called me on Wednesday. He got a second opinion of my B's swimmers from Prof K. Prof K agreed with Vitalab's assessement but told us to take 5mg Folic acid and 40 mg Zinc for three months. This could help. We are definitely giving it a shot

Up no 2 - I have one more sleep before I go and see our Spiritual Healer. I am so in need of some soul searching and guidance....I really need it..really need it

Now onto the Downs

Down no 1 - My brother emailed me yesterday to tell me that his wife wants a divorce. I was gutted. My brother and his wife have always been a good pair in my eyes. My brother waited 37 years for his wife...what I mean..and don't laugh..he was still a virgin when he got married at 37. I have always admired him for his respect for his wife and two children. He is a good man. My SIL had a hysterectomy a few months ago and since then has fallen into a depression...and has resulted in her wanting a divorce. I started my morning in tears. Almost like the end of a dream....

Down no 2 - I have been back at work for 1.5 weeks after being off for a month. I have worked my arse off and have got my Financials completed and I am almost up to date. However, when I got back, I discovered one of the staff had hidden an outstanding Debtors by not invoicing it out. I immediately contact myHDR department to deal with it. However, my MD is back from leave...and came for his weekly meeting. He tore me apart saying that the management at our branch are useless. He belittled me and my fellow managers telling us he hated coming to our branch because we are all incompetent. He moaned because I was not 100% up to date with my work. I HATE this place. I have threatened to leave so many times...but it is like a cult. You know it is wrong..but for some reason you just cannot let go. It is like a shiny apple with a big fat worm eating it from the inside....Yet again I was in tears

Down no 3 - I decided to log onto the fertility forum to get an update on all the lovely ladies. My friend, Chloe, who has been trying for a baby, fell pregnant in December..just before Xmas. She went for her 7 week scan yesterday and the "sac" was empty....I was devastated. This infertility journey takes you through such highs and then throws you to the curb like a dog.

So today I am not a happy bunny. 2010 held so many promises, hopes and dreams. Today it just feels like a continuation of 2009 soul breaking year

Sorry

My Office Hysteroscopy

The day finally arrived for me to have my Office Hysteroscopy. I was totally freaked out the whole day. I was petrified that the procedure would be painful. I called Vitalab and asked "Please, please can my B come in with me"....and yippee, the answer was yes

I prepared myself well for the procedure. I took painkillers before hand and some voltaren...just in case. I took some rescue tablets to calm myself down. I am such a baby...goodness knows how I am going to cope with motherhood.

My B and I arrived at Vitalab. We were taken through to the Scan room. I suddenly realised that Dr Jacobson would be sticking his face between my legs. I grabbed some perfume and put it on my feet....I think I over did it...cause the entire room smelled like my perfume....smile

Dr J and nurse started the procedure. Very glamorous....legs spread in the air. My B thought that I was in pain and got quite stressed....but I was just fine.

The pictures on the screen were beautiful..I was very proud of my "brand new" womb.

After everything was done and dusted...off we went to the office. My B and I discussed everything on our mind with Dr J...including the fact that we wanted a second opinion about my B's swimmers. Dr J immediately picked up the phone and called Prof Kruger for a second opinion. Unfortunately he was not available..so Dr J left a message. So we awaiting his response

Dr J also advised that my ovaries are damaged and in "egg" terms I am closer to 38 years old. My bloods show high hormone levels. So, bottom line, WE HAVE TO GET STARTED ASAP.

I got an "estimate" quote so that we can start budgeting for the IVF treatment....eekk...all the things add up to R 49 500.00....shew

So we got some answers....we will take it from here....watch this space

Yippee...Its 2010

At last it is 2010....I am so happy. This year is going to be a good year. I have decided to focus on my Spiritual well being. I am going to do alot of courses...first one I am going to do is a Reiki course. I am determined to make a difference this year...not only for me, but for everyone around me. I want to thank all the loved ones that have supported and carried me through a bad year.

Well, I must say, 2010 did started with a bang. On Saturday night at 12:30 in the evening, our door bell rung. Both B and me got such a fright. We switched over to the cameras to see +/- 8 policeman and two policevans in our driveway....what the f**** !!!. My B went out to see what they wanted. Apparently, one of the neighbours heard a big bang and had called them. The police were going from door to door checking that all was in order. We think that our direct neighbours let off a crackers...arsholes!! At least is was excitement in our life...smile

On another note..I am back at work today. Yahoo...NOT!!! I was pleasantly surprised at how my ladies coped whilst I was away. There was very little backlog. I was happy that I did not come back to mountains of work.

I also got on the scale this morning. The first time since my op. I was very nervous because I have been eating like a little piglet whilst at home. I was surprised that I only weighed 64 kgs...not too bad. I was expecting to be closer to 70 kgs. I feel so fat. I feel like a little piglet. BUT the scale did not show it...shoooh...what a relief!

My B and I are working on a plan to get the money in order for us to do first IVF treatment. All our excess funds were spent on Vet bills and previous surgery....boo hoo....but I believe that somehow the money will come our way. Positive thinking hey?

As you can tell, my mind is in a better mind frame. From just a few weeks ago, when I vowed that I will not have a baby, to now, I am actually contemplating going forward. I know that deep down inside I must give it a shot. I have to put my fear of a caesar aside. Everyone keeps telling me that once the baby is born, I will forget about all the pain. Hmmmmmm...I wonder.

This year is going to be goooooodddddd....I just know it. I can feel it deep down in my soul.

I believe it..!

Am I Really Ready for a Baby?

I don't know if it is the depression setting in but today, I have gone on a grinding HALT. I don't want a baby anymore. I don't want to go through this infertility treatment. I don't want the heartache that is attached to it. I just don't want it anymore....grrrrrr

One of my friends on the fertilicare forum has just experienced a miscarriage and my heart is aching for her.....thinking about the pain she is now experiencing. I know that I am not as brave as her. She is one hellava strong woman. She has been through numerous IVF and FET....I just can't go through that. I cannot do it.

I spoke to my darling B about how I am feeling. His response "My Baby, I am fine with that. I will love you no more or less if we don't have children". I instantly felt relieved.

Have I lost my head finally? I think about how much your life is put on "hold" whilst you are undergoing infertility. Everyone around you cannot understand because alot of the conversations you have are inside your head.

I spoke to my Mom about not having children. Her response "My Baby, I love you...you are my baby..whether you have babies or not, I will still love you"

I am so frustrated cause deep inside I have always imagined this wonderful birth and glorious happiness that follows...but now I am in two minds.

All I seem to be focusing on is the pain. The pain of failed IVF attempt, the pain of miscarriages, the pain of the delivery....

All I can see is the good in Not having children. I can focus on my career. I can focus on hobbies. I can travel. I can focus on my Darling B. I do not have to worry about safety and failing school systems.

I have known too much pain in my life. I don't want it anymore. When I met my B I felt that my pain would finally end. At last I could start healing from 34 years of damage. But, it has started again....all this pain...all this disappointment. I just want to be happy.

Don't tell me that no pain/no growth ...cause I will tell you to F..off. I have had my lifetime dose of pain...not only physically but emotionally and financially. When is it enough?

I don't want to feel like a failure anymore. Let me just give up the race before I fail...much easier road to travel.

It just takes so much pressure away....I can start living my life.

And "NO"...I won't fall pregnant if I relax...it ain't gonna happen

Financial Depression

I have been sitting and thinking today. This IF stuff is so expensive and "everyone else" does not seem to have a problem coughing up the money. "Everyone else" seem to have endless supply of money to do treatments.
Now, my B and I earn decent salaries and live in a decent house in a decent area....so why do I feel so poor. Everything is just more money, more medication, more tests....where the hell do people get this supply of readily available funds ?


I get so angry that medical aid does not allow a "certain %" for fertility treatment. The worse thing is that when and "if" we start fertility treatment, we are looking at R 45 000.00 a shot (because my B has to go under as well). If we do two treatments a year, that is R 90 000.00 an annum. That equates to approx R 7 500 per month to be saved...(did I mention that I am an accountant?). Thats alot of money.....

I know that the end results (being pregnant) is priceless...but getting there is a problem to me. It would be great if I could get a positive Beta on my first try...but Statistics show that it will probably take up to four attempts....and that freaks me out.

My B and I work hard for our money..and I am dreaming of going on an overseas holiday to visit my Sister in New Zealand and my BFF in London...even going on my fantasy holiday in New Orleans or Rio de Janeiro.....but all of that is on hold because we have to put together a "baby" fund.

And I can forget about any retail therapy that I love so much...no more shoes or CDs/DVDs (my favourite buys.. )

Am I the only "Scrooge" out there? I am not materialistic just practical...or maybe I am just getting too old for this process....grrrrrr

Welcome to My Pity Party

Isn’t it amazing how the mind works? When your body starts to heal from a wound, your mind takes a little longer. My bruising and swelling is subsiding and I feel a whole lot better…but my mind is still not right.

Yesterday was a joyous day. It was my darling Moms birthday…her 71st birthday. My sister C came over with her three boys. It was wonderful watching my darling nephews playing. My sister Cs eldest boy, J, cleaned my fish tank for me…what a honey….Oh, I love her boys

And despite all the happiness that surrounds me, I am filled with immense sadness. I look back on my 37 years of life. I think about the dreams I had of having my own little ones. I think about the excitement of one day, peeing of a stick and surprising my darling B with “We are pregnant”. I think about us giggling like excited children, knowing that we are going to be parents.

This has all been taken away from me. My body cannot produce children naturally. It will all start with a couple of daily injections into the tummy, followed by another couple into my rear end…followed by a trigger shot. I will then have to go under anesthetic and have my eggs retrieved from my swollen follicles. These will be fertilized in a dish and replaced back in my body after a few days. Then I start my 2 weeks waiting. After that, I have a Beta test done and this will show whether I am pregnant or not.

There is no surprise in this…only a few weeks of living on the edge with questions like

1. How well are you stimulating?
2. How many follicles are there?
3. How many eggs are retrieved?
4. How many eggs have been fertilized?
5. How many eggs do you put back?
6. How will they take?
7. Have the fertilized eggs attached to my “corrected” womb lining
8. And if you happen to get a positive beta, how many survived…could it be twins?

I think what I am trying to say is that….the naturalness of the process has been taken away from me. Some will argue, yes…but you can still carry a child? There are women out there that cannot.

Well, I am not one of those women. But that does not mean it does not hurt. This Assisted Reproduction process is much more than physical. It is about mental anguish.

I am allowed to mourn. The only way to get back on your feet is to allow yourself to mourn and acknowledge how far you have come. I have to acknowledge blessings in technology, allowing me this opportunity. Had I been born in another century, I would have be a barren woman…

I have to start looking at the good things in life. My B and I will be “over the moon” the day they say “Your beta is ….” We will be the happiest, best, loving parents a child or two could have.

A few years ago, I decided to be an egg donor. I donated three lots of eggs. Healthy eggs! If I had known back then the problems I am now having, would I still have done it? Would I have put myself through the overstimulation and egg retrieval knowing that my chances would be so dramatically reduced?

The answer is YES, YES, YES. My life had to follow its route so that I could finally find my B. It led me on a path to finally have someone who loves me more than I could imagine. And if my destiny does not allow me children, then I will have to start looking at another direction to take. I am destined for big things. I just don’t know what they are yet.

I am “me”. I am an Infertile and I will survive

My Butchered Body

I have just had a total emotional breakdown. Today was the first time I have seen my body in a full length mirror since the operation. And my body is butchered. The cut is about 15cm long and along the top of my pubic area. The cut is not even straight. It is blue and purple, yellow and swollen. The cut looks like a potato sack that has been sewn up quickly

I broke down in tears and Mom went to fetch my beautiful B, who is busy fixing our gutters. He walked into the bedroom and looked at me standing with just my towel wrapped around me and big tears rolling down my face...."Look", I said, "Looked at how they have butchered my body"

My darling B took me in his arms and said "I think you look beautiful"

Universe please bless my B....he is so good to me

My Day of Reckoning

The day began like any ordinary day…except no coffee, no food, hospital bags packed and an empty pit feeling in my stomach. Today was finally the day of my Hysteroscopy/Laparotomy.
Off we bundled in the car..Mom, my B and I…raced through the traffic to get there at 8:45 sharp..we were told be to there at nine and today was one day, we were not going to be late. Checked into the hospital and then we waited…waited…waited…It was actually quite a traumatic wait. You see, the Linkwood Hospital, I only discovered recently, is a maternity hospital. So while you are waiting, a stream of pregnant women or recently “given birth” women pass you….here you are sitting waiting to have your uterus cut open so that you can have a baby and then you are confronted with a stream of “in your face” pregnancies. Obviously, it is more pronounced when you are full of anxiety..like I was.

Anyway, they eventually took me into ward at about 12:30. It was honestly, like a production line in the ward.

There were 14 women scheduled to be operated on. I was very saddened when I looked at them all..all of us putting ourselves through this just so that we can have what comes so naturally for many others.

The anesthetist’ was brilliant…very kind to me. I think he felt very sorry for me because I did not stop crying. When they wheeled me through to surgery, I was crying…waving and crying at my poor B standing, watching me, looking quite lost. I was still crying when they put me under .

I awoke to feel the most excruitiating pain in my groins. God alone knows that I should not be feeling like this. My B and mom stayed with me all the time. My B did not let go of my hand. My poor B! He has gone through all of this with me and did not leave my side for one moment…how can I ever express my love and gratitude to the universe for sending me this love..Words seems so lost in meaning.

I was booked in on Tuesday…and by Wednesday, I was feeling a little better…still very sore but still very drugged up. My mind frame started to shift. I did not see myself being a mother if I had to go through this again. No way. No chance in hell. Forget It. NO-ONE was going to change my mind. I personally think that anyone who voluntary goes for a caeser is loop de loop…crazy…frikken mad…cause it is F….ing sore.

My B was there every evening when I fell asleep. He would hold my hand until I feel asleep. He was there every morning when I opened my eyes…like an angel sent from up above. And on my day of discharge he was there before everyone…he packed my bags, bundled me into the car and drove at +/- 20 kms per hour from the hospital…and anyone who knows my B knows that he is a Michael Schumacher is a “Bakkie”

So now I am at home..hoping to get some TLC and lots of food…pizza tonight…yipeee

Sticks and Stone..but Words do Harm

On the way to work this morning, I was sitting alone in my little car, stuck in traffic and so, my mind started to work overtime again.

I am amazed at the comments/opinions/advice people like to give you. They talk without thinking, and wonder why we burst into tears.

Being an Infertile, no wait, being a Wanna be Mom, is painful. The things we put our body through, the thoughts that run through our minds constantly and the tears we cry....

In less than one week, three people have felt the need to give me an opinion. I do know that these people do not mean me harm...but guess what, words do harm

The first is my Uncle. On Saturday, at my cousins farewell, I was telling them about all my procedures and problems. They are nurses..so they understand the whole journey. My uncle was not listening properly and piped up "Well then use a surrogate". My poor B turned red in the face and said "Well that was just such an insensitive comment".....I could just see my sweet little uncle squirming under my Bs' glare. Needless to say, my uncle apologised immediately...and slunk away to get another glass of wine

The next was a SMS from my Darling Sister-in-Law. It read "Hiya. Want u 2 know im thinking of you lots. Just a suggestion, Surrogate Mom with yrs & Bs egg and sperm...love u". My Darling Sister-in-law is similar in age to me and has just had a Hysterectomy. She was very concerned when I told her what was wrong with me because two of her friends had the same problem and landed up having a Hysterectomy.

The final comment was from my brave Financial Director. Yesterday, he says, well maybe you should consider adoption.

Infertility is not something that just happens, you deal with it and move on. It is a process of mourning, grieving, celebration all wrapped up in a "small" little word. No matter how long it takes, it does not get easier.

So thumbs up to infertiles..I think we are stronger individually than a room full of fertiles

XXX

Universe....I hear You!

Wednesday is a bad day...these are words Mom has always told us...we have lived our lives believing Wednesday is not a day to make important decisions on. How true this is, I don't know...but I generally try and steer clear of Wednesday decision...rather safe than sorry.

But this Wednesday, I was sent a "sign" I just could not ignore.

Before I get there, I just want to explain a little about me.

When I was seventeen years old, I met my ex husband...(my BFF and I have named him F1 - Faulty 1). I spent fifteen years trying to be the perfect wife....However, alas, this was an extremely abusive relationship. I had my fair share of blacks eyes, cut lips and bruises. His infidelity was well known to everyone but me. (This led to my Tube infections...hence the reason I lost my tubes) But being so young, I was easily manipulated. It eventually took my Dad and families assistance to get me out. I was given "Private" security to help me get out of the City I was living in. I got to start over in a new City with no friends.

I vowed I would never get married again. No man would ever disrespect me again...no man would ever make me his slave. I did not believe that "good Men' existed. My family were very concerned because I was quickly heading down the road of Senile Spinster.

Then my B crossed my path...what an amazing gift. It was pure luck that our paths crossed. Then we discovered that we shared the same Birthday...this was a sign..our destinies were intertwined.

All my life, I have ignored signs sent my way. I have not listened to what the universe has told me. Hogwash, thats what I thought...!

When I have thrown caution to the wind, I have always been rewarded. So over the years, I have truely come to trust the signs....

This brings me back to my sign today.

My B and I have been through hell with fertility problems. We have been thrown to Donor Sperm and removing my Fallopian tubes....to going to a new Fertility Specialist who has given us some hope. But when they did a examination on my B, it was discovered that his swimmers are immobile...ie they simply do not move. We were told that there is nothing we can do to improve the situation. Their solution was, at time of IVF, they could be more aggressive in trying to find "swimmers", failing this we could use Donor Sperm or Abort the process....

This was difficult to accept. How could they tell us that he had swimmers but nothing could be done to increase the motility. There must be something we can do?

So I went on a Google adventure and came across a few overseas articles which threw more light on the situation. The basic things that could help was to increase vitamins and ginseng. We have started this process...we have nothing to lose...

However, today, on the forum, Fertilicare, one of the couples facing a very similar (yet unique) situation were thrown a lifeline. And that was my sign. I called B and said "Lets make an appointment and go and see this Doctor".

So I am going to contact this Doctor...let him know our history...fly down to see him and take it from there. I do not know what answers he will give us...but we have gotta walk this road.

I know more than anything that I want my Bs baby. I do not want to walk the road of Donor sperm and "Should I or Should I not tell"....it is heartbreaking enough to not be able to carry your genetically matched child...but then to endure the other after effects.

The Universe sent me the most lovable, supporting, kindhearted partner...

If it was that good to me...why would it stop now?

XXXX

Ek's A Dapper Dapper Muis

Tonight B and I are sitting cosily on the bed....I am watching him as he zips through my blog, trying to make me look "super smart" (not much luck, smile)...and then I realised : Tomorrow is one week until my Laparotomy...eeekkk.

I left work early today, went and paid for the doctors bill for next week..had my blood test done and raced home, very grateful that I could miss the traffic. All of this was done in a very robotic way. Do this, then that..slips this into place and postpone that. I think that my mind has kicked into survival mode. I think that this is the only way you control a terrible fear seeping into your soul. I know I will survive. Thats just what I do..i survive!!! Ek's a Dapper Dapper Muis, kyk hoe stap ek deur die Huis!



On a funnier note, I called my sister C this morning and she proceded to give me a lecture about the "New Dog". It went something like "Bratty, you should not be taking another dog...blah..blah..blah". I think sometimes she forgets that I am a grown woman, earning a living, loving a husband....i think she still sees me sometimes as her "Bratty Baby Sister"...but as usual, all ends well. By this afternoon she sent me the most beautiful SMS

It Read "A Dog is the only creature that loves you more than it loves itself"...beautiful, my sister. Thank you very much. It brightened up my day.

Right now, I am hoping to flop my head onto my feather cushions and get a good nights sleep. B has been sleeping very badly since I have been dosing him up with half of Chinas Ginseng...don't worry Angel..just 90 more days to go

Night everyone...sleep tight, let the angels guard your dreams

A Reminder of my Infertile Body

I woke up yesterday with a familiar pain in my Uterus...a dull throb of my Adenomyosis. I can feel this little gremlin digging into my womb lining.

It is almost like it is reminding me...hey b___h...i am here to make your life hell. If it is anything like the pain i had last month, shooh...i am in for a rough ride.

However, this time i am armed with painkillers...and hopefully this will be the last month. Soon, it will have been cut out and i can heal properly.

I read on the forum about the ladies in their 2WW (2 weeks waiting until the monthly arrives...ie waiting to see if you are pregnant)...and I am jealous. I have not even been able to have a 2WW...i wish that I could join them in the anxious period.

I feel like i have gone from one "bad" scenario to another "worse" scenario. It is always "after this"...then "oops, just a little while longer"..

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL...

My Blog is Saving my Sanity

I am so glad I have started "My Blog"....I sit in my office and I feel like my head is going to explode. I do not have alot of friends that I can talk to about my infertility problems. My thoughts jump from nurseries to sperm to "whats for Dinner".

I feel very much like an addict....when i have something on my mind...I log onto my Blog and post it...I feel instant relief.

I have found myself wondering onto other blogsites and feel kinda sheepish at the simplicity of "My Blog"....but then, that is me...Basics! I cope well with Basics...

I am not a woman of fancy words, my English is appalling..Punctuation...well, lets not even go there, but i do have heart. Alot of heart...and what you see, is what is me!

It is just over a week to go before my Laparotomy. I think about it daily..hourly. I keep trying to reason with myself. It is just a "caesar"...millions around the world have survived it. But, then logic falls aparts..and my "Drama Queen" personality kicks it. THIS IS MY CAESAR....it will be worse than anybody elses'...total freak, I know.

Being the family's second Drama Queen is quite a title to uphold. I must say, my sister C, is the top Drama Queen..but she will tell you that I am worse that her...gotta love sister support. It was from C that I proudly earned my nickname "Bratty". My Eldest sister, D, is calm and patient....must be my mothers blood...because anyone who knows us, knows my Dad is a little TROLL. (still love him)

I am still trying to wake my big brother up....smile

Anyway, back to infertility, I have got new pjs, slippers and a toiletry bag for the hospital. I am going to spoil myself and buy a brand new fluffy towel as well. I have received many books for my Birthday...which are also getting packed in.

I am sure my list will grow....I suppose B's paintball gun barrel will just have to wait...Brattys' gotta shopping bug...love u B...smile

My Adenomyosis

So heres the deal, I have been diagnosed with an Adenomyosis...I have to have a Laparotomy on the 8th December 2009. I am nervous but a little excited because two of the ladies from the Fertilicare forum will be joining me...so it is going to be one big party in the wards (okay, i know..wishful thinking). At least I will not be alone in the hospital. I have never stayed in a hospital. I do not know which is worse for me...a stay in the hospital or the caesar cut.

An Adenomyosis is a non-cancerous condition in the uterus that can mimic many signs of a fibroid. This condition results from the lining cells of the uterus growing directly into the muscle wall of the uterus. When the lining cells of the uterus bleed at the time of the menstrual period, these misplaced cells in the muscle bleeds as well. And the bleeding directly into the muscle causes pain.

At the present time, the only treatment for adenomyosis is surgery. In situations where the adenomyosis is confined to isolated areas in the muscle wall, an attempt may be made to surgically remove these areas and repair the rest of the uterus. In situations where the majority of the uterus is affected, HYSTERECTOMY may be the only cure.

Well, this is where i am now...my B and I have had lengthy discussions about "What if's?". What if they cannot remove it? What if I need to have a hysterectomy? What if...what if...what if? It can drive you around the bend....Strangely, i am quite calm about the Hysterectomy (if it happens). On this TTC journey, i have come to realise that life is full of surprises. One can never assume that everything will be fine.

I am putting my faith in the Universe. I believe that it will grant me what i need. Someone/something out there is aware of how i have lived and loved. Maybe the love in me was meant to be shared with a child in need...just maybe...

But for now, i have my B....and he is my rock...I love you B