I left work a little early again today...After reading fertilicare , I found out that I would probably need an enema before the Laparotomy. Now, don't laugh at me...but that part of my body makes me very shy...and the idea that they will be shoving a pipe with warm soapy water up there, is not very appealing. I called my B and sister C in tears...not believing what I was reading. My sister C who has had three babies, two of which were caesars, calmly explained to me that this is a necessary evil..and I would be very grateful for it later. Well, her words were "Next time you go to the toilet, focus on what muscles you use".....absolutely revolting...eeeewwww
I know this is not a hectic thing to happen...but I know that I am very fragile at the moment, trying to keep a balance of scales in terms of my emotions..and this "unexpected" event, even though it is minor, threw me out of balance. I suddenly felt very alone. I decided the only way I would feel better was with some retail therapy....so off I went to the nearest Woollies.
I bought myself another set of Pj's and slippers (I now have three new pairs of Pj's and slippers. One for every night in hospital). I bought some more "granny panties" and I bought some lotions and bodywash. Oh yes, I also bought two new towels. If I am going into hospital to give me a Brand new womb...then I am going to make sure I have Brand new stuff. The way I reason, Brand new womb, brand new clothes.....brand new BABY. Are you listening Universe?????
Without sounding melodramatic, this event in my life has got me reflecting more on the life that I have led to date. I am a firm believer in "the wheel turns", give in life what you would like to receive. I keep thinking what have I done to have resulted in this outcome. I cannot remember being consciously evil or bad. It is difficult to keep negativity from creeping in. I am just hoping that out there, there is a soul, waiting to choose me to be its Mom. Now, thats a nice thought.
On a practical note, I contacted Prof Krugers office today. They were amazingly helpful. The Sister told me to contact my current clinic, get the records, email them through and she would set up a "telephonic" consultation with Prof Kruger. (So sorry, my Capetonian soon-to-be-Fertiles, I won't be seeing you very soon). I am waiting for Vitalab to send me the results...so we can get this party started.
I hate the way I feel right now...it is such a destructive emotion. My counsellor would tell me "Bratty, grieving in normal"...but I know that it just makes me feel weak. Before meeting my B, I was not allowed the luxury of feeling pain or sadness...this was a big "no no"...and since I met B, he has encouraged me to release these pent up emotions. It is still very new to me and in the last few months, I have been thrown in every direction. From a lifetime of being tough, I am still learning to cry. My BFF is also like me...so we are a bad combo...."self destructive"...are you reading T....??????
This experience is very real. It is making me realise that I am, at the end of the day, only human. I cannot carry the world on my shoulders, I cannot solve every problem. Some things are just out of my control...
I feel bad sometimes because there are people out there that are worse off than I am. Some are homeless and hungry. Some are mourning the loss of loved one..no matter how small. Whether your child is fifty one years old or even a one day old fertilized egg..it is a soul. But this is about the journey...what have I learnt? Who have I loved? And who has loved me?
Love is free...yet we fight for material possessions. Laughter is healing...yet we criticise the next person. All souls are born equal. We cannot decide in a womb whether we want to be black or white, Catholic or Atheist....
Make yourself and others accountable for how you live your life....it is your choice....yours and only yours
