Wowee....What a Day?

Today has been a very eventful day....I have the Auditors in at the moment...so far, so good. The person I blogged about yesterday, approached me and told me that she was not rolling her eyes at my BFP, but at something else....admittedly not a nice thing to do..but we sorted it out and, like adults, decided...yupp..maybe we should start over again. I like that idea. Sometimes in life you get off on a wrong footing...It is nice to just scrap a crappy start and create a new better memory

My BFF is going through hell at the moment. I am not going to go into details...but trust me, it is hell. I am worried about her....and wish that she lived closer. In that way, I could provide her with a better support system and kick the arse of all those hurting her...

But, anyway, on a positive note, she sent me an email today. She has finally bought a book I have been nagging her to read. It is called "Woman who Love too Much"...

I was so happy...I picked up the phone and called my B...and his response, flattened me...
He said "Well, my baby, sometimes you need to be knocked flat on your back to notice the stars"
I was, like, Wow....that is so true. I thought about it the whole way home. I looked around and saw the most magnificent sunset..to me, this was a sign that I have had a good day, made good decisions and this is my reward

I am a real fairy child...I believe in anything and everything positive. If it is gives you hope...then I am a believer. If it puts a smile on your face...then I am a believer. If it gives you reason to live...then I am a believer (no...this is not Shrek).

I believe in fairies, I believe in God, I believe in the Universe, I believe in Tarot, I believe in Past life's, I believe in this life, I believe in the next life, I believe in Signs...I am constantly looking for natural signs..like a feather in front of a baby store...like birds playing in a fountain

Now, this might be amusing....but, hey..I learnt long time ago, not to sit on my Throne and judge. If a little statue makes a person a better person, If a couple of cards strewn across a table, makes a person treat the world with respect, If a beautiful sunset reminds a person that God gave you life, then who am I to judge?

I am still pregnant....yupp, breasts are still swollen. No other symptoms though...unless I have made then up..smile. I called Vitalab the other day and asked if I could go for another Beta. Nurse J says "Why?", I respond "Cause I am paranoid"..Nurse J says "Are you bleeding?" I say "No" so Nurse J says "No, you cannot go for a bloodtest". It took my B the whole Afternoon to roll up my lip off the floor....hee hee

I am going for my scan on the 14th April 2010...and I booked my Gynae appointment on the 19th May 2010.

Today, I am eternally grateful that I was given that Gift of life and I carry a child...

The Ugly Side of a BFP

I was not quite sure I wanted to blog about this or not...but after it has played on my mind all weekend, I decided to let it out. Hey, this is my blog and my thoughts. You are free to read it..if you do not like it...then click the little X on the top right hand corner.

I have always regarded myself as level headed. Despite my lifes experience, I have always managed to see through the darkness and carry on. I have always given my support to those in need. I look for the good in people. I look for reasons to celebrate life

So here goes...the other night I was very excited to be out with the girls..I was meeting new people. Well to cut the story short..my BFP was met with rolled eyes. Many times during the night, I would speak and my words were met with more rolled eyes. It was not a hidden motion. It was "in my face". I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I could not wait to get home to my B...to be protected by him.

The sad part was I am prepared to overlook this negative reaction because of where they are in their lives....but they are not prepared to give me the time of day because of where I am in my life. They have prejudged me and not given me a chance to be a friend.

I almost felt like I regretted getting a BFP on my 1st IVF....I felt that they felt I have not walked this path for long enough to be classified as an "infertile"....but they do not know me..they do not know the path I have had to walk to get here.

So heres a little summary

1. From age seventeen through to 32, I was involved in an abusive relationship/marriage with resulted in alot of physically, mental and emotional abuse...

2. At age 18 I fell pregnant with my Ex's baby...but had a miscarriage in the second month. Gynae gave me a D&C and inserted a "Copper T" without permission

3. From age 21, I wanted children...I tried for a few years...(all those timed cycles)...only to discover that through my ex's abuse of drugs, was no longer producing swimmers... Up until then, I had listened to people telling me I was the problem.

4. My Ex would not look at Donor / Adoption...therefore at a very young age, I had to come to terms with the idea that I would never be a mother....and let me tell you, that is not easy. We are pre-programmed with "Motherhood" and letting that go is a killer

5. Discovered my Ex was sleeping with half of Durban...so I refrained from intercourse with him for the last year of our marriage....only to discover that he was miraculously producing enough sperm to make a little 18 year old pregnant.

6. Met my B...best thing in my life...accepted that we would probably not have children because he had had a vasectomy. Ah well...thats the way life goes..

7. My B made the decision to give me a chance at Motherhood. He went for TESA which showed he had no swimmers. He agreed for us to use Donor Sperm. Never in my life has anyone given so much to me without asking in return. I was so excited. We booked our first Donor IUI at a Sperm Bank. We went through the Clomid...trigger shot and insemination. Not once did we consider the consequences. After the IUI, I felt Raped...I could feel this semen running down between my thighs....My IUI was BFN..naturally. It was a very emotional time for me.

8. Sep 09 -We went for an HSG...to discover I had blocked tubes..

9. Oct 09 - Had both my fallopian tubes removed - thanks to a sexually transmitted disease from my Ex (and his whores)

10 Dec 09 -Discovered I had a growth in my womb....Had a Caesar cut to remove growth..Was off work for one month...there went any chances of a natural birth.

11. During my time with my Ex..I made a decision with my life. I knew that I was never going to be having children. I knew I had alot of eggs in me. So I decided to donate to others who could not have children....I knew the pain of having to face a childless future....I was not going to deny another woman this. I did this three times...so that is equivalent to 3 IVF's (excl ET)

I guess what I am trying to say is "Yes...you are infertile....Yes....you are battling" but that does not give you permission to treat me wrong. In practice, I have been an infertile for 16 years. And I have gone through the process of 4 IVF's

I can never have that miraculous conception..I have no tubes. I can never have that "natural birth plan". I can only have a caesar. Alot of options have been taken away from me....

I must be honest, I never expected this huge open arm welcome..but what I did not expect was the blatant disrespect to the fact that I am human too. I am not a stupid person who can be treated with contempt through no fault of my own.

I am sorry that you could not see the good in me....because I would have been a good friend to you.

But despite this...I wish you all the success in the world. The funny thing is I was excited to meet you.

But then, we all make our choices as to which road we want to travel...

I Think My Bubble Popped

Today, I am feeling real sorry for myself....no particular reason...just flat. I woke up and felt like I did not put my body on recharge last night. ...what a yuck feeling!

I have a couple of blogs that I regularly comment on and never get any feedback...normally that would not bug me...but today, it saddens me...grrrrrr

I have tried all morning to break the cycle and keep positive, motivated and happy...but I have decided to give up...and let this emotion/feeling play itself out......hamba gashle pity party

The sky outside is dark and the rain is falling.....one of my friends from the forum found out that her latest cycle has not been a positive one....I feel like the heavens felt her pain...they are crying her tears.....I hope the sun comes out shortly.

When you hear news like this it brings home the reality of IVF and its process.....stats are not good. I suppose everyone wishes/believes that their 1st IVF will work....I will just have to take this one step at a time. I cannot go into this process not believing that it will work 1st time. I cannot control medical science, I cannot control what God and the Universe have install for me..but what I can control is how I feel...how I make others feel...and what I believe

I have come so far...I am not quitting now

I am now waiting for that stupid "Tannie Van Rooyen" to come....I have never wished for a period so hard. Once she comes, I can get my 1st IVF underway. (Personally, I think that is the reason I am so flat today....I think she is knocking on my door)

I have got everything in place...the money has been paid...medication has been received and stashed in the back of my cupboard (so it keeps cool) and I have my "microwave bean bag" for when I have to take the Gestone shots in the rear end.

However, I wish this horrible feeling would go away now...I have been on such a high for the last few days....it kinda feels weird to not feel good...

Ah well....God and the Universe gave me tomorrow...smile

I HATE MY JOB

I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate my job.

Okay, now that I have got that out of my system....nahhhhh...I still don't feel better. Today, I have been in one of those " I feel sorry for myself and don't you dare take it the F... away from me" moods. I have burst into tears. I have shouted at my staff. I am a miserable b.i.t.c.h. today.

Our computers have been down. So I cannot access my accounts (work wise)..therefore, I am now officially running behind my tight schedule to complete my Management accounts.

My throat is sore and finally, my glorious AF has arrived, accompanied by one hellava PMS queen.

The good news is that I can go and get scanned tomorrow at Vitalab and start my "contraceptive" pill....yippee...I can finally get this ball rolling.

Today, I seriously debated with the Universe. Why do I have to fight for everything in my life? Why can I not just get something good without fighting for it? I am a good person. I treat people and animals well. I give my employer their ounce of flesh. Why..Why...why? Even a simple matter like having a baby is not simple...it is a battle and a fight......

I have seriously started the job hunting....but I think my personality has been so eroded by my ill treatment in this company that I am actually debating my skills. I feel incompetent and under qualified for every position.

Universe, please,....throw me a fricken life line!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Ups and Downs of Life

I have had a hectic two days...full of ups and downs.

First lets go to the ups....they are fewer than the downs

Up no 1 - Dr J called me on Wednesday. He got a second opinion of my B's swimmers from Prof K. Prof K agreed with Vitalab's assessement but told us to take 5mg Folic acid and 40 mg Zinc for three months. This could help. We are definitely giving it a shot

Up no 2 - I have one more sleep before I go and see our Spiritual Healer. I am so in need of some soul searching and guidance....I really need it..really need it

Now onto the Downs

Down no 1 - My brother emailed me yesterday to tell me that his wife wants a divorce. I was gutted. My brother and his wife have always been a good pair in my eyes. My brother waited 37 years for his wife...what I mean..and don't laugh..he was still a virgin when he got married at 37. I have always admired him for his respect for his wife and two children. He is a good man. My SIL had a hysterectomy a few months ago and since then has fallen into a depression...and has resulted in her wanting a divorce. I started my morning in tears. Almost like the end of a dream....

Down no 2 - I have been back at work for 1.5 weeks after being off for a month. I have worked my arse off and have got my Financials completed and I am almost up to date. However, when I got back, I discovered one of the staff had hidden an outstanding Debtors by not invoicing it out. I immediately contact myHDR department to deal with it. However, my MD is back from leave...and came for his weekly meeting. He tore me apart saying that the management at our branch are useless. He belittled me and my fellow managers telling us he hated coming to our branch because we are all incompetent. He moaned because I was not 100% up to date with my work. I HATE this place. I have threatened to leave so many times...but it is like a cult. You know it is wrong..but for some reason you just cannot let go. It is like a shiny apple with a big fat worm eating it from the inside....Yet again I was in tears

Down no 3 - I decided to log onto the fertility forum to get an update on all the lovely ladies. My friend, Chloe, who has been trying for a baby, fell pregnant in December..just before Xmas. She went for her 7 week scan yesterday and the "sac" was empty....I was devastated. This infertility journey takes you through such highs and then throws you to the curb like a dog.

So today I am not a happy bunny. 2010 held so many promises, hopes and dreams. Today it just feels like a continuation of 2009 soul breaking year

Sorry

Jonathan to the Rescue

Tonight I got a "full length" lecture from my darling B about my negative attitude. He told me that I am so depressed but I continue the cycle by going onto the fertilcare forum, which depresses me even more......

So, in times like this, I call on Mr Jonathan Butler, to save the day. His music is absolute soul music for me...I know the words to every song. I close my eyes and I just sing along at the top of my lungs...poor B (his ears must be killing him..or is it me?).

Anyway, this have definitely improved my "mind space"

Tomorrow, I will put Jonathan on the hi-fi and blare it through the house...and just for a moment I will forget about my pity party

"Take Good Care of Me"
I got up the nerve to try again
Some broken hearts, given time will mend
Will you be gentle if I surrender all to you,

Please understand that I got to be sure
The lessons I've learned I can't ignore
Will you be gentle if I surrender all to you,

Take good care of me
'Cause my heart's a tender thing,
Take good care of me
'Cause this heart has known much pain
And could never handle hurting again
So take good care of me, of me
Thanks Jonathan!!!!

So the Madness kicks In

Today, I am feeling sooooo down. There is no reason for me to feel this way but I do...!!!!

I am tired of being butchered. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being stuck at home.

My computer is still sick so I have no correspondence with the outside world. My sister is on holiday so I don't get to see her.

My friend, Chloe, has just got her BFP and I cannot even wish her because our computer with ADSL somehow does not allow me to log into fertilicare....

I could just burst into tears but I won't

I have gotta do something...just what?

I am loosing my mind

Welcome to My Pity Party

Isn’t it amazing how the mind works? When your body starts to heal from a wound, your mind takes a little longer. My bruising and swelling is subsiding and I feel a whole lot better…but my mind is still not right.

Yesterday was a joyous day. It was my darling Moms birthday…her 71st birthday. My sister C came over with her three boys. It was wonderful watching my darling nephews playing. My sister Cs eldest boy, J, cleaned my fish tank for me…what a honey….Oh, I love her boys

And despite all the happiness that surrounds me, I am filled with immense sadness. I look back on my 37 years of life. I think about the dreams I had of having my own little ones. I think about the excitement of one day, peeing of a stick and surprising my darling B with “We are pregnant”. I think about us giggling like excited children, knowing that we are going to be parents.

This has all been taken away from me. My body cannot produce children naturally. It will all start with a couple of daily injections into the tummy, followed by another couple into my rear end…followed by a trigger shot. I will then have to go under anesthetic and have my eggs retrieved from my swollen follicles. These will be fertilized in a dish and replaced back in my body after a few days. Then I start my 2 weeks waiting. After that, I have a Beta test done and this will show whether I am pregnant or not.

There is no surprise in this…only a few weeks of living on the edge with questions like

1. How well are you stimulating?
2. How many follicles are there?
3. How many eggs are retrieved?
4. How many eggs have been fertilized?
5. How many eggs do you put back?
6. How will they take?
7. Have the fertilized eggs attached to my “corrected” womb lining
8. And if you happen to get a positive beta, how many survived…could it be twins?

I think what I am trying to say is that….the naturalness of the process has been taken away from me. Some will argue, yes…but you can still carry a child? There are women out there that cannot.

Well, I am not one of those women. But that does not mean it does not hurt. This Assisted Reproduction process is much more than physical. It is about mental anguish.

I am allowed to mourn. The only way to get back on your feet is to allow yourself to mourn and acknowledge how far you have come. I have to acknowledge blessings in technology, allowing me this opportunity. Had I been born in another century, I would have be a barren woman…

I have to start looking at the good things in life. My B and I will be “over the moon” the day they say “Your beta is ….” We will be the happiest, best, loving parents a child or two could have.

A few years ago, I decided to be an egg donor. I donated three lots of eggs. Healthy eggs! If I had known back then the problems I am now having, would I still have done it? Would I have put myself through the overstimulation and egg retrieval knowing that my chances would be so dramatically reduced?

The answer is YES, YES, YES. My life had to follow its route so that I could finally find my B. It led me on a path to finally have someone who loves me more than I could imagine. And if my destiny does not allow me children, then I will have to start looking at another direction to take. I am destined for big things. I just don’t know what they are yet.

I am “me”. I am an Infertile and I will survive

I Am Bored

Holy Crap....I am bored...so bored...I am going out of my mind. I do not know what to do....if it were up to me, I would be painting my kitchen walls..but alas, this butchered body and darling B say "Sorry for you. Sit your arse in bed"

Now, I am battling with this whole concept of being bored. My family have always taught me that "Being bored in a sign of stupidity..an intellectual mind will always find something to do"......Maybe I am "Closet Stupid". I am boggling my brain thinking of things to do. I can only surf the Internet for so long...I can only read a book for so long and there is junk of DSTV (and I don't want square eyes).

Hopefully, my sister C is coming to visit today....yahhhhh...company!!!! Maybe, I can beg her to take me to the shops for some retail therapy...I never get bored spending my B's paycheque...hee hee

I suppose I could do some filing...hell no, thats too much like work..,

Okay, I think for today, I will believe I am stupid and be happy being BORED

Welcome Home Monty

Saturday was an amazing day. My B and Mom went to fetch the new addition to our family....our Golden Retriever, Monty (previously known as Jessie). Monty was an absolute pleasure in the car...and adapted to my other dogs without a problem. Well, actually, just one little problem...he keeps wanting to "bonk" my beautiful Xeena. So...he will shortly be taken to the vet for the "snip snip".....My Xeena was playing so nicely with Monty but got so excited she ran into our wheelbarrow and cut herself quite badly....So off we went to the vet so he could sew her up. My poor baby!

I had to work on Saturday. I have so much work to do before I go on "sick leave". I actually got alot done and hopefully will have peace of mind when I leave on Monday.

I have packed all my hospital stuff on the table in my bedroom. All brand new stuff...yippee.. But my emotions are tired. I feel like I have lost my "vavavoom"...no more "mojo". I have spent the weekend on painkillers and I am really feeling out of it.

Even now, I am typing but I am not feeling what I am saying....arrrhhhh..it is probably just my nerves kicking in.

Sorry....!

Another Monday....

So another Monday has come around again. Isn't it amazing how quick our lives go by...how often i wish it away.

I had the most beautiful relaxing Sunday with B. He is busy making me a gate for our garage entrance into the property....so whilst he was welding, I sat and played with my Dog Babies. We were discussing how to integrate our new Jessie into the family. I get very nervous with dogs...for some reason dogs like to bite me. When I was a little girl of about 3.5 years old, a dog bit my nose off (well not completely). I had to have plastic surgery...hence my funny shaped nose. My siblings have such beautiful noses.





This week is going to be a busy week. I have to complete my Companys financials by next week Monday..I have to ensure that all my work is 100% up to date..

I have to have Blood tests done...they need to confirm that I do not have a blood disorder before they operate. I have to go in and pay the Clinic before the operation...I seriously don't know where people get the money for fertility treatment. It is so damn expensive.....As if you need another problem when you cannot have a baby normally.

I just want to get this week over with...i have decided that when i am off, i will have lots of time to think and think. It is the perfect opportunity to see what I really want...good reflection time

So heres to a busy week...

My Blog is Saving my Sanity

I am so glad I have started "My Blog"....I sit in my office and I feel like my head is going to explode. I do not have alot of friends that I can talk to about my infertility problems. My thoughts jump from nurseries to sperm to "whats for Dinner".

I feel very much like an addict....when i have something on my mind...I log onto my Blog and post it...I feel instant relief.

I have found myself wondering onto other blogsites and feel kinda sheepish at the simplicity of "My Blog"....but then, that is me...Basics! I cope well with Basics...

I am not a woman of fancy words, my English is appalling..Punctuation...well, lets not even go there, but i do have heart. Alot of heart...and what you see, is what is me!

It is just over a week to go before my Laparotomy. I think about it daily..hourly. I keep trying to reason with myself. It is just a "caesar"...millions around the world have survived it. But, then logic falls aparts..and my "Drama Queen" personality kicks it. THIS IS MY CAESAR....it will be worse than anybody elses'...total freak, I know.

Being the family's second Drama Queen is quite a title to uphold. I must say, my sister C, is the top Drama Queen..but she will tell you that I am worse that her...gotta love sister support. It was from C that I proudly earned my nickname "Bratty". My Eldest sister, D, is calm and patient....must be my mothers blood...because anyone who knows us, knows my Dad is a little TROLL. (still love him)

I am still trying to wake my big brother up....smile

Anyway, back to infertility, I have got new pjs, slippers and a toiletry bag for the hospital. I am going to spoil myself and buy a brand new fluffy towel as well. I have received many books for my Birthday...which are also getting packed in.

I am sure my list will grow....I suppose B's paintball gun barrel will just have to wait...Brattys' gotta shopping bug...love u B...smile

Contemplating Life

Yesterday was a turn around point for me. After the nonsense with my Directors, i went home, made a good cup of coffee (actually B made it), sat outside on my patio and contemplated my life with B and Mom.

I have always been a firm believer in the Universes' power....long before "The Secret" came out. I am true to my star sign, Scorpio, in that my curiosity about the unknown is intriguing to me.....and to compliment this fascination, my B is also a Scorpio. No-one understands a Scorpio like a Scorpio.

Anyway, i feel that I have lost my believe through my journey of "2009". This has been a terrible year for me...roll on "2010". I have allowed "people" to abuse me. I have allowed them to treat me this way....which is just so wrong. I need to take back my power. Life has hit me from every angle this year...and each time, i try and get up, i am hardly on my knees and then the next blow follows.

B and I decided to put deadlines on our expectations and goals...otherwise they remain dreams. I need to bring them into reality by giving them a timeline.

I need to get back to my "core" and rediscover my passions.

So back to my self help books i go. Back to my soul music. Back to my incense burning and meditation.

One of my favourite artists is Jonathan Butler...the words to his songs always speak to my heart.

At this time in my life, the words to one of his Gospel songs rings true to me

Jonathan Butler - It's Already There Lyrics

You spend your days hoping
You spend you nights wishing
You always feeling something is missing
Can't you see? Don't you know?
You don't have so far to go

It's already there what you're looking for
It's already there, don't have to search anymore
Open your eyes, believe that it's true
It's already there inside of you

You spend your time thinking, you'll never make it
Everyone loves you but your heart's always breaking
In my eyes, see what I see
You're beautiful to me

It's already there what you're looking for
It's already there, you don't have to search anymore
Open your eyes, just let it come through
It's already there inside of you

Keep looking outside yourself
But you won't find it anywhere else

It's already there what you're looking for
It's already there, don't have to search anymore
Open your eyes, just to let it come through
It's already there inside of you


So heres to new beginnings and fresh starts...love alot, laugh alot

Gotta find a New Job

Sometimes i wonder if I am stupid or just plain desperate.

My Financial Director did not have the balls to tell my Managing Director that I will be off sick for the month of December, for my Laparotomy...no instead, he left me to tell him....no surprise I might add.

Anyway, today, i asked my Managing Director for two minutes after our weekly meeting. I explained what I was going in for, why it was important to have it removed and what I would do to assist the staff whilst I am away. He was very considerate and concerned...even went as far as wishing me Good luck

THEN, i speak to my HR Manager...apparently, the MD got her to pull out my HR file to check what I was entitled to. Fortunately, i am way in the parameters of sick leave and annual leave (which I am not about to take for the Laparotomy). I do not abuse my sick leave "allocation".

I do not know why i put up with this.

I seriously need to do something....life has gotta be easier..

Universe throw me a lifeline please?