Did I Mention?

That I am frickin pregnant....it dawned on me last night that I am actually pregnant...really pregnant.

I must kick myself in the arse and stop with this damn negative talk because that just gets me nowhere....

I have been divinely blessed...call it luck, call it intervention, call it a miracle....call it what you want...but I have been given a gift. A gift to last a lifetime.

My B and I decided last night that, just to put our mind at ease, we are going to go for another Beta next week.....(listen here...we are both Scorpios..so understand the caution)

We sat last night looking at different websites...and we found this picture. Today, I am officially 5 weeks pregnant..and this is what our baby looks like..too damn cute

So for today, thank you Universe...I will look after your gift...

My Third Beta

Third beta - 1543

I have been very nervous about my third Beta. I have kept myself very quiet. I tend to cope better when I crawl inside my little tortoise shell....it is nice and warm in there.


This is a big hurdle....this shows if my little Brat still wants to be around (for now). I go through my emotions. One day I am so excited...I am pregnant...I am going to be a Mom. The next I am sad...I feel like I am dreaming all of this.


I am trying to figure out where I belong. I have been very quiet on the fertilicare forum...purely because I am not quite sure where to post. Maybe, if my pregnancy continues, I should let go of the forum. It has been such a comfort blanket for me....yet, at the same time, can take me down.


I have seen so much bad news on the forum which makes you a little wary of this journey. Too many girls going for Betas...and the levels are falling...or girls going for scans...and there is an empty sac. Sometimes, I wish, I never knew these pitfalls....Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.


Yesterday, a very special lady that I have met got her BFN. I think that I was as gutted as her. And that is the problem.....!!!!! I felt her pain...my joy at getting a BFP was kinda "put on hold" because I wanted to mourn with her.


Now you can say....but Bratty, you should be celebrating your BFP....but that is where I am taking strain. All my life I have always felt for those around me. From my school years right up until today, I have always been that "shoulder you cry on", that girlfriend you call when you have a problem. It is such an intricate part of my life...it is who I am...it is what defines me as a person.


My mind is very pensive at the moment...even if I sound depressed..I am actually not. I am walking forward with caution...looking at the road ahead, seeing what obstacles I have to get through..pausing for a moment to get my breathe, lifting my head and moving on.


My little Brat is 5 weeks old....my scan is schedule for the 14th April 2010...

One thing I do know for sure....I am very very loved...I am surrounded by people who want the best for me....I can feel the love around me and this will protect me through my journey..

For love, I am very grateful

My Second Beta

I can finally breathe ...just a little more easily....my second Beta came back at 327...perfect. My little Brat is doing exactly what it is supposed too..yippee...

I have one more blood test next Tuesday...then my next hurdle is the scan.

There is a whole process of test and emotions that nobody tells you. After you get your BFP, the emotions just intensify. I actually said to my B last night...this waiting in between blood test is worse than the 2WW. In the 2WW you got prayer, you can wish, you can hope...but there is this underlying feeling, no matter how positive, that it may not work. Once you have got that elusive BFP...the hope is there...you are "pregnant"...and if, god forbid, you miscarriage...your hope is ripped out of your chest...you know that what was once there, is no longer.

Nobody tells you about the cramps..almost like a major "Tannie Van Rooyen" coming to visit. Nobody tells you that the spotting could continue until 12 weeks. It is bloody frightening to have cramps, with spotting and then wait to see if babetjies sticks...and know, that, if babetjies decides to give up the fight to stick, there is absolutely nothing that can be done.

Grrr....enough bad talk....today is a good day. I very seldom go onto facebook...but last night I went on...and I saw a post by my "Durban" friends that they were having their "Broeks club" last night...my heart got very sore. I miss my girlfriends...and I have never got around to making many in JHB. But....ladadee ladada...I have been invited to "Wine Club" tonight with some special ladies in JHB. I am excited...yippee

So for today, I am grateful that I am pregnant....I am grateful that my Brat is deciding to stick around for now

PS. Forgot to add....I am grateful that there will be NO MORE EFFING GESTONE injections...yahoo

I am Pregnant

Yupp...that is what the blood test says..."You are pregnant...beta 124"...it feels unreal....I feel such elation with such depression.

I have started spotting...this has just added to my stress levels. I have been told it is quite normal....well, yupp..you try get through the next few days spotting!!!!. Hmmmmm...I thought the toilet paper "roll checks" were over once you get your BFP. I just need my Beta to double tomorrow...please Universe

I am totally confused by my emotions. I thought the day I got my BFP I would be so happy..it would mean the end of my "dry years"..if thats what I can call it. I would be like all the other woman...

Don't get me wrong...I am very happy. I just feel out of depth...like I am in between worlds right now. I actually don't belong anywhere. I am no longer "battling" and I am not "pregnant. Did I mention that I am also super sensitive at the moment. I hover between breaking out in smiles and bursting into tears. I have wanted to be pregnant since the age of 20/21...and it was never a possibility. Now I am "pregnant"....and what do I want to do....crawl back into my tortoise shell...

I got this poem this morning from one of my fertilicare ladies....it came at a time when I needed a reminder about having faith

Forgive me

I crumbled...I POAS (Peed on a Stick) this weekend...yesterday and this morning..sorry Sam.

I am not ready to deal with the results....so I will let you know when I do blood test

Too Cute

Got this email from my assistant ...with the caption "Don’t need this for my boss!!!"

Our Brats Diary

Sunday 14th March – Our embie became a Blastocyst
Monday 15th March – Our Blastocyst hatches
Tuesday 16th March – Our Brat attaches to Mommys womb
Wednesday 17th March – Implantation begins
Thursday 18th March – Implantation continues
Friday 19th March- Implantation complete
Saturday 20th March – Secretes HCG and grows
Sunday 21st March– Secretes HCG and grows
Monday 22nd March– Secretes HCG and grows
Tuesday 23rd March– Secretes HCG and grows
Wednesday 24th March– Secretes HCG and grows
Thursday 25th March– Secretes HCG and grows

Friday 26th March – Hello Mommy and Daddy…I am here to stay

Grow my little angel...Grow

A New Day

Well, I am officially 1 week away from testing....and my excitement is back.

My cramping is almost gone, my breast have gone down (boo hoo), my nipples are back to normal and I am no longer leaking..eekk.....yippeeeeeee...and I only have 8 more Gestone injections...10 done...more than half way through

So I am feeling absolutely great. I feel like I have my strength back and can cope with another week.

Thanks everyone for your support in my moment of doubt and darkness....this 2ww is not for the faint hearted...smile

My Mom is back from New Zealand tomorrow...yahoo...yahooo...I have missed my parents so much

Heres to hope ...again...I love being pregnant

My Moment of Doubt

Yesterday was the toughest day so far in my 2ww.....I started getting severe cramps. Up until now, I have felt good....but yesterday, my moments of doubt kicked in. I desperately wanted to google cramps...but had Dr Js voice in the back of my head saying "F... Google, ask me"....so I decided to do the next best thing. I went onto my fertilicare.org...this is the fertility forum I belong to. And guess what it tells me...NOTHING. Cramps mean nothing. Some of the ladies have got their BFP, some have not...so it means nothing, nothing, nothing.

In the 2ww, logic tells me that there are gonna be no pregnancy signs....it is all the medication and the medical intervention that is "playing devil" on your body. My little Brat is too small and too new to cause pregnancy signs. I know this....my mind tells me this, logic tells me this...but somehow that reliable organ in my body, namely my heart, so desperately wants to believe otherwise.

My boobies are still large, but have gone down a little. Besides the cramps, I have got peeling nipples....I know...groosssss...and you are right, it is disgusting. And to top it off, I am leaking..not bad...but I do feel it...yuck!!!!!!!

For the first time yesterday, I thought, what if it is a negative? Have I just set myself up for failure? If I could get a positive just from the moral support I have been getting...then I would have been pregnant by now. But I cannot. What makes me believe that I am so different from all the ladies that venture into IVF? There are many woman that deserve a BFP much more than I do? They have travelled this road alot longer than I have? I know I am special...but that is just because I feel so loved by everyone around me. I am no more special when it comes to medical intervention than the next person. Hell, if I was that special...I would not need medical intervention...

This doubt, it is evil, it can consume your mind so quickly. I started thinking about all the people that are supporting me. Not only will I be disappointed but so will they be. I know my sisters will cry for me...I know my BFF will cry for me...I know my ladies at work will cry for me....so many tears...it makes me afraid. What if?

I was sitting with my B in the garden yesterday...talking to him about how I feel. He looked at me and said "Why are you stressing? You are pregnant."..I got annoyed that he still held that innocent believe..."No B, stop talking like that...we need to deal with what if I am not"......and he looked at me with a smile in his eyes and said "But you are....it is written in the Stars". I love my B. He is my Rock when I waiver.

So today, I will focus on the positive again...well, I am going to try at least. Still got some cramping but seems to be mild

I also got news from my sister in New Zealand yesterday. My Mom and Dad are visiting them at the moment. My Dad who is 72 years old, decided it would be a good thing to jump off the SkyTowers for fun...can you believe..for fun...what kinda mad person does that for fun. But he made me proud. Not only did he do it once...but twice...Go Daddy...Go Daddy...(seems like I got some kickarse blood running through my veins...smile)

So, for today I am going to focus on rejuventation

The Condition of my Mind

Well, I am in the 2ww period....still quite a few days until I test to see if my 1st IVF is successful. I think that I am doing okay....besides the Gestone injections...eekkk.

Last night my B was only able to give me the injection after 9 o'clock because my courage went AWOL. My B is so good at giving me my injections...so I do not know what I am afraid of. I do not feel the needle going in...it is only the next day that I feel this nasty little lump that hurts when I walk fast or run.

Now this might sound silly...but I am so grateful that I have been allowed the pleasure of entering the 2 weeks waiting. It is an honor that for two whole weeks...I just might be pregnant. I am loving every minute of a "potential" pregnancy. I am making my B talk to our baby.

Yupp, stats are not great for positive results on the 1st IVF...but does that really matter....cause I know for two weeks I AM PREGNANT...regardless of what any doctor or fertility specialist thinks. To know that a fertilized egg was put back into your womb...wow...

I have been thinking about this whole "Peeing on a Stick" thing....it is very tempting. But I am really going to try hard not too. I need to trust this journey. I need to believe in this journey. And whilst I think that I am pregnant, for two weeks, why cut it short. I am going to enjoy this moment

On the good side of things, my boobies are huge....I love them being this size....but today they started to burn....ahhhhh....the joys of fertility drugs. I wonder if Dr J will give me a regular prescription so that I can keep my big boobies. Smile

For today, I will remain calm......

Wow...Look what I Got

I got an award from fellow bloggers...I am real chuffed. Never got awards before. So thanks Ginger and Hopeful....

As a condition I have to list 10 things that make me happy...and list 10 other bloggers

Ten things that make me happy

1. The smell of my B...actually everything about my B
2. The calmness that my mom makes me feel
3. The warmth of my kittykats as they curl up next to me at night
4. The barking of my dogs when I get home and they are happy to see me
5. Laughing with my sisters
6. The smell of filter coffee in the morning
7. Putting my Johnathan Butler or Cat Stevens CDs on fullblast and singing on the top of my voice
8. The sun on my face when I sit in the garden
9. Having a best female friend
10. Being able to live and survive another day

My bloggers list....
1. TTCnot2easy - Because I like her, just because...waiting to hear news about her adoptions
2. The Lucky life - I love her search of everything new...
3. Angels on My Mind - This is a soul sister with a story to tell...Universe bless her dreams
4. Skrambled - shooh...What a strong woman..
5. I am Special-I am a Unicorn - Al, keep the faith
6. I have been, I can be, I will be OK - This is my friend who has made the self sacrifice of being a surromom
7. Wannabe Mommy - I love her cheeky attitude...she fights for what she wants
8. Hanneke - Cause she followed her dream, followed her husband and moved to a farm
9. Cherryred - Very intellectual.....
10. Wheresmy2lines - A new blog I follow...and loving it

My Egg Transferal

I have been very slack on my blog lately......

But this is very important so I had to pull my finger out and do some updating.

Friday morning, my sister C picked me and B up (he cannot drive due to his procedure) and off we went to Vitalab. We sat around waiting for Dr J...hoping that our beautiful little miracle survived the night. Dr J was very pleased with the results. Apparently my little Brat had developed beautiful. Dr J also showed me pics on the development...and also, of one egg they were watching because it was unusual big. I do not know what to think of that...but who cares..lets move on.

After being given the go ahead, off we went to the Labs....sat drinking 5 glasses of water, to get the bladder real full. What they did not tell me was that they would be doing other people before me....so you can imagine, I was about to pop.

In the lab, I had to sit on the bed and spread them....they then scanned my uterus and inserted a long pipe thingy....I watched on the screen as my little shooting star was laid to rest in my perfectly clean womb. Wow..what an amazing feeling! I THEN RAN TO THE TOILET

My B collected all my "drugs" and off we went home....where I slept most of the afternoon. Oh yes, before we got home, my baby demanded a cheese burger...so my B had to comply...hee hee

Now, I might be pregnant...I might not..but for these 2 weeks, I am going to believe that I am.

It is called HOPE

Keep those Miracles Coming

Just got a call from Dr J....my little fighting Angel survived the night and is looking good. Through my tears and cries of joy, I could hear Dr J smile

I am going in for egg transferral tomorrow....hallelujua...yesterday it seemed like years away.

Today, I am in love....I love my B more than words can say, I love my baby with all my heart. I just want to protect them and love them...they are gonna have to smack the back of my head to get the smile off my face

I give thanks for being alive

My Gratitudes for Today

I am still awaiting news on my little fighter.....

Yesterday, I left work early. I needed to be alone with my Angels. I needed them to heal my soul and give me comfort that this is my path. Now this might sound mad. But my Angel do not actually talk back. A warm calm sensation comes over me and helps me fight another day. This internal dialogue is very powerful in healing.

As I was driving home, all my favourite songs were playing on the radio. I found myself smiling. Something was telling me "Its going to be okay". I have made peace with the fact that my last embie might not survive. If this happens, then it is not my time. I will keep on trying...and I will succeed. I know that I am meant to be a Mom...just how I get there is the question?

Yesterday, when Dr J called..he could not get hold of me. So he called my B. My Bs heart was broken that he had to call me and tell me the news. Today, I am keeping my cellphone on me all day so that Dr J can talk to me. My B is still in alot of pain from his cut, his heart is sore....today, I will protect him...this is my gift to him

So, I am taking a page out of angelsonmymind and giving thanks for being able to do an IVF process.

I am joining the strong women who have walked this path. And believe you me, they are strong woman. This is what I have learnt from the process.

1. It is expensive ...smile

2. It requires endurance.

3. You need to get used to being a pin cushion....plenty of injections

4. It requires extreme strength....there are so many ups and downs.

5. It requires patience

6. It requires flexibility....time off, sitting at the doctor, changing game plan

7. It requires one awesome woman, who can take on the world

I take my hat off for all the IVF ladies...I almost feel not worthy to be amongst them

I Need A Prayer

Maybe I am too emotional writing this post but my mind is spinning at the moment. Only one egg survived the night. I feel like all my hopes and dreams have come crashing down around my feet. My heart is heavy. My eyes are filled with tears. Fight, my little baby, fight. Fight for Mommy....I need you in my life. I want you in my life. I love you soo much already

I have to work hard on keeping my spirit positive. Remember the goal. Remember your dream. Don't give up just yet. I cannot allow every stumble and curve in the road to make me loose focus on my destiny. I only need one

I believe.....I really believe. Hear my cry, feel my pain, reward my courage...fulfil my dreams

Miracles Do Happen

Had my egg retrieval this morning. They managed to get 6 eggs from me.

But most importantly....THEY GOT SWIMMERS FROM MY B

I do not even have the words to give thanks. I am over the moon.

Thank you...thank you...thank you....thank you...thank you

I am going to have my B's babies....yahhoooo

My Egg Retrieval Has been Booked

Bright and early, off me and my B went to Vitalab.....off to see our babies. Alas, there were no miracle follicles. I still have one on the left and five on the right...they ranged between 18mm - 21 mm. My lining is 9.5mm. So all still looks good. I really only need one egg!!!

Dr G has booked my Egg retrieval for Tuesday, 09 March 2010. My B will be going in at the same time for Sperm Retrieval. We have been very hushed about this. My B is really not looking forward to being cut open, sliced and diced. We have intentionally not spoken about it. It kinda freaks him out.

My sister C will be dropping us off at Vitalab at 7 o'clock. my B will go under the knife first, followed by me....it should all be over by latest 9:00.

Then we wait for the fertilization report. Should all go well, we will be putting our babies back on Friday, 12 March 2010.......then the dreaded 2 weeks waiting. My testing date is the 26 March 2010.

I am overwhelmed by all that is happening. In the last few days, I have been dealing with my Mom moving out, my Mom leaving suddenly to go to New Zealand for a holiday, my company's year end and my IVF....so time has gone very quickly

At my local Spar, one of the ladies that works at the "Gift/Spritual Shop" stopped me and my B on Saturday. Her friend had made me a special guardian Angel for my IVF process. I was very touched that a complete stranger would be holding me in her thoughts and prayers. It is amazing the power of love.....

Will update my blog after egg retrieval...till then sending you lotsa love, light and divine blessings

My First Official Follie Scan

Today, my B and I were bright and early at Vitalab...we were there to see our "babies". I am still filled with such a good feeling.....

I met Caroline there. Caroline is a lady from Zimbabwe. She was in the hospital with me when I had the laparotomy. It was so nice to see her....wow...what an amazing woman. She is also doing her 1st IVF and is on the exact date as me. I am hoping that we can do Egg Retrieval together...that would be a very good sign.

Anyway, back to our babies, Dr V scanned me....he seemed very impressed with my womb lining at this stage. I was CHUFFED. Then he moved to the left and alas, only 1 follicle, measuring 10mm. He was quiet for a while...but continued to the right. I could hear a sigh of relief as he said minimum 5 follies ranging from 10 mm to 16 mm. He was happy with my progress. I smiled the whole time. I am so happy.

I continue with 4 amps of Menopur and 1 amp Cetrotide today and tomorrow. I will then scan again on Sunday. But Dr V indicated that Egg Retrieval will be on Tuesday or Wednesday. I will have a better indication on Sunday.

My sister C has already decided that the follie that is 16mm is our baby.....

My B and I had blood test done and then started the trek to work. When we got to work, my B, such a good man, prepared my injections and went to make me the best cup of coffee. I love you my B

Now, I am not too sure whether in the IVF world my scan was a good scan or not. But, quite frankly, I actually don't care....why...because I felt good afterwards.

I know deep inside my soul that it is my time now. I will get my BFP..I will be a Mommy to that perfect soul.

So today, I give thanks for fertility specialists and medications....they are helping me walk the road to my destiny

Tomorrow is my First Scan

How do you contain excitement when you are bursting at the seams? That is how I feel. Tomorrow is my first official scan to see how my follicles are progressing.

I am soooooooo excited. I have been such a good girl with my medication. I have taken my antibiotics every day, twice a day. I have taken my folic acid and multivitamins. Every morning, I jump in the shower whilst my B prepares my Menopur injection. I get out of the shower, then inject myself bravely...no tears....(thank you Laparotomy scar). My B thinks I am the toughest woman he knows. I do not even flinch when I stick the needle in.

So, tomorrow, I find out if all the dedication and injections are paying off. At the moment, I am feeling like a cow with a huge udder....like a bunch of grapes hanging off my womb

So tonight, I will fall asleep and dream about my beautiful follicles that I will see tomorrow....

PS....below is a picture of what I want to see tomorrow on the scan...lots and lotsa of beautiful follies

What If?

I have been so cocksure of myself lately....the thought that I might even get a BFN on my 1st IVF has not even crossed my mind. I am convinced to the core of my soul it will be a positive....



Whenever I say something negative, my B will always respond "Your wish is granted"....drives me crazy at the time...but he is right...don't be negative, stay focused, keep your eye on that prize, keep striving towards that Goal. So I am probably going to piss my B off with this post...smile



But this morning, I am sitting here and one of the ladies that I have been following has just received the news that her GIFT was a BFN....I was honestly lost for words. And this got my mind thinking, WHAT IF that was me...how do I want people to handle me? What would they say that could even make it slightly better?



I am a typical tortoise personality...I keep my head in the shell until it is safe to come out....



So, I would probably want people to just leave me alone...I will deal with this internally and will let the world know that I am okay...not very healthy, but, hey, thats me!


BUT IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.....BFP HERE I COME...smile

The Best Things in Life are Free

Today, I am in a much better mood than yesterday. I started my third day of medication and my body has kicked into "druggie mode"....ie side effect..what are they???

I started my day in tears because me and my B went to my sisters house before work...and I was once again reminded that my Mom, two dogs and four cats would be moving out this weekend...but thats okay, I got the tears over and done with for the day.

Moving onto happier moments...I was talking to my Dad. I was telling him all about Egg Retrieval and Egg Transfer...then out of the blue he pipes out "Congratulations, I am going to be a Grandad"... I burst out laughing and said "But Dad..I am not pregnant yet" to which he responded "Well, you are going to be"...Good sign, I think so.

Then last night I was talking to my Mom and she was asking me all about my injections. I think she has forgotten that I am going for IVF. She says to me "When are you going to be pregnant after the injections"....I think she has clearly forgotten that my B has had a vasectomy and I have no fallopian tubes. I think she has even forgotten that you gotta have nookies to fall pregnant...she is so sweet...love her to bits

Then my BFF calls today...she is going to New York from the 23 to 27 March 2010. She wanted me to know that she needs to know if I am pregnant by then...cause she cannot cope with the waiting anymore....I just laughed.

My B has decided that he is not entertaining 2 eggs being put back...he wants four or five...eeekkkk...I think that he has forgotten who has to carry those babies....When I remind him, he just says "Well, you lie on your back and I will feed you icecream, sweets and all nice things"

I am very fortunate to have people around me that care and love me...for this I am very grateful.

I love the fact that I am finally going to find out if a little soul out there in the big Universe has chosen me to be their Mommy...now isn't that a lovely thought....that some kinda perfection is wanting me.

I must have done something good in my life to deserve these opportunities and good fortune

I LOVE LIFE....

The Tears I Cry

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I started my Menopur injections yesterday and my hormonal levels are in full swing right now.

I have been weeping and dizzy as a side effect. I really was shocked that I am experiencing the side effects.....because I am Jane (and my B is Tarzan)

But today is a very very sad day for me.....my Mom (who lives with me) has decided it is time to move out. She is going to move into my sisters Granny flat. She feels it is time to let me and my B have a life together with our new family. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am very "Ma Vas"...for the last ten years my Mom has either lived with me or next door to me. Now she is moving away.

I am heartbroken. I feel like I have failed my Mom. I feel like I am deserting her.....all I have ever wanted was for my Mom to feel protected and live forever. I am battling to even write the words to express how much I love my Mom...my tears are spilling over my cheeks. My soul is aching..I feel like I am loosing my child

Mom...I love you