In the 2ww, logic tells me that there are gonna be no pregnancy signs....it is all the medication and the medical intervention that is "playing devil" on your body. My little Brat is too small and too new to cause pregnancy signs. I know this....my mind tells me this, logic tells me this...but somehow that reliable organ in my body, namely my heart, so desperately wants to believe otherwise.
My boobies are still large, but have gone down a little. Besides the cramps, I have got peeling nipples....I know...groosssss...and you are right, it is disgusting. And to top it off, I am leaking..not bad...but I do feel it...yuck!!!!!!!
For the first time yesterday, I thought, what if it is a negative? Have I just set myself up for failure? If I could get a positive just from the moral support I have been getting...then I would have been pregnant by now. But I cannot. What makes me believe that I am so different from all the ladies that venture into IVF? There are many woman that deserve a BFP much more than I do? They have travelled this road alot longer than I have? I know I am special...but that is just because I feel so loved by everyone around me. I am no more special when it comes to medical intervention than the next person. Hell, if I was that special...I would not need medical intervention...
This doubt, it is evil, it can consume your mind so quickly. I started thinking about all the people that are supporting me. Not only will I be disappointed but so will they be. I know my sisters will cry for me...I know my BFF will cry for me...I know my ladies at work will cry for me....so many tears...it makes me afraid. What if?
I was sitting with my B in the garden yesterday...talking to him about how I feel. He looked at me and said "Why are you stressing? You are pregnant."..I got annoyed that he still held that innocent believe..."No B, stop talking like that...we need to deal with what if I am not"......and he looked at me with a smile in his eyes and said "But you are....it is written in the Stars". I love my B. He is my Rock when I waiver.
So today, I will focus on the positive again...well, I am going to try at least. Still got some cramping but seems to be mild
I also got news from my sister in New Zealand yesterday. My Mom and Dad are visiting them at the moment. My Dad who is 72 years old, decided it would be a good thing to jump off the SkyTowers for fun...can you believe..for fun...what kinda mad person does that for fun. But he made me proud. Not only did he do it once...but twice...Go Daddy...Go Daddy...(seems like I got some kickarse blood running through my veins...smile)
So, for today I am going to focus on rejuventation
5 comments:
Aii Bratty, sorry to hear about the doubts ! It is quite "normal" at this stage of the 2ww.
But, please, please, do try to go back to your previous state of mind; it is just much more comfortable and makes for much better memories, whatever the result !!
Thinking of you and wishing you lots of strength...
Bratty, your B is right! At this moment you are pregnant. You can deal with a negative one you find out it's a negative. Not now. You saw that embryo go in...just keep believing.
And don't for one minute think you aren't deserving (I so hate that word). Whether fertile or infertile... nothing makes you less or more deserving than the person next to you!
You know your desires and you've put your heart and soul into this.
It's written!
You...are...pregnant! :D You...are...pregnant! :D
Think back:-
The flipping doc put a live embie in your healthy womb = instant pregnancy!
Forget about anything else or the doubts that keep creeping in.....
You...are...pregnant! :D
First off Bratty - don't say that there are others out there who 'deserve it more than you'. You deserve this JUST as much as the next bloke.
Shit, this 2ww is the pits and ones' mind is such an @rsehole during this time. Just stay strong and positive, our Brats. And cling on to your B = Rock as hard as you can!
Rooting for you always!!
xx Lisa-Marie
Firstly, if it were about "deserving" to be pregnant honey then not one woman in this world would end up knocked up. You "deserve" to be a Mom just like everyone else.
Secondly, it would be so easy for me to say to you stay in your positive frame of mind and just bat away any feeling of doubt and angst. But real life does not work that way. I'm super impressed that you have not swung to the other rung earlier than you have but it happens. There is nothing wrong with thinking about what if? There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a back up plan in case... And most of all, having doubt CANNOT AND WILL NOT effect your outcome. I know it sounds so damn simple to say it like this but you either are or you aren't. No amount of addtional positive thinking will change the outcome if you're on the unlucky side of the coin. Trust me I know. (Please God let them not be on the unlucky side!)
You'll swing a few more times between the postive and the negative before beta day... and that's fine too.
Hang in there, you're doing GREAT!
xxx
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