I Feel Bland

I have not been blogging much this week. I feel somewhat bland. No reason. I just DO!

My week has been quite busy. I shouted at my BFF...then felt terrible about it. She is involved with a man that has been unfaithful..not once..not even twice. Anyone who knows me, knows how strongly I feel about infidelity. I hate it with a passion. To me, there are no excuses..no reasons..It is just wrong, wrong, wrong. But, it is not my place to tell T how to live her life. I am her friend and I will support her "NO MATTER WHAT"....so sending you hugs and kisses.

Then , I call my brother. His stupid bitch of a wife wants a divorce. Now, it turns out...she had an affair. Stupid Whore. (Can you tell I am angry?). My brother is not perfect. He is actually quite dull. BUT, he is a good man. My SIL sits at home all day. My brother gets home after work, cleans the kitchen, makes the supper and helps with the kids. She says that my brother does not talk "her language of love". Well, F... that, what about his language of love. The funny thing is that I love my SIL. We actually get on quite well. BUT guess what, he is my brother...and she is wrong...If my brother were an arshole, I might understand. But you do not leave a marriage because you are bored. Marriage takes work...maybe she is just too damn lazy...grrrrr

Ahhhhh....why the world turns in so many directions..I don't know..it just keeps us spinning

I put my CV on the market this week and I believe that the Universe will provide me with the perfect opportunity...so I am holding thumbs

I had a good conversation with my BFF about Donor Sperm. It was nice to know that should I decide to go that route, that I have support. Too many people voice their opinion about using a Donor that I felt shy to talk about it. But reality is...it might be my only opportunity to carry a child. DH and I had a good discussion after last FS visit. Although, he will look at adoption, it would be a last resort. He really wants to go donor if all else fails...so lets see where this road takes us...it will not fail, it will not fail, it will not fail (Universe, hear me loud and clear)

I have a busy Feb...well for me. I am normally such a homebody. I have something planned for every weekend. My Assistants' wedding, my friends baby shower and a "Get together" with some of the fertilicare forum ladies.

I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I need a bloody kick up my arse because of my bland attitude....but then, this too shall pass

Universe....I hear You!

Wednesday is a bad day...these are words Mom has always told us...we have lived our lives believing Wednesday is not a day to make important decisions on. How true this is, I don't know...but I generally try and steer clear of Wednesday decision...rather safe than sorry.

But this Wednesday, I was sent a "sign" I just could not ignore.

Before I get there, I just want to explain a little about me.

When I was seventeen years old, I met my ex husband...(my BFF and I have named him F1 - Faulty 1). I spent fifteen years trying to be the perfect wife....However, alas, this was an extremely abusive relationship. I had my fair share of blacks eyes, cut lips and bruises. His infidelity was well known to everyone but me. (This led to my Tube infections...hence the reason I lost my tubes) But being so young, I was easily manipulated. It eventually took my Dad and families assistance to get me out. I was given "Private" security to help me get out of the City I was living in. I got to start over in a new City with no friends.

I vowed I would never get married again. No man would ever disrespect me again...no man would ever make me his slave. I did not believe that "good Men' existed. My family were very concerned because I was quickly heading down the road of Senile Spinster.

Then my B crossed my path...what an amazing gift. It was pure luck that our paths crossed. Then we discovered that we shared the same Birthday...this was a sign..our destinies were intertwined.

All my life, I have ignored signs sent my way. I have not listened to what the universe has told me. Hogwash, thats what I thought...!

When I have thrown caution to the wind, I have always been rewarded. So over the years, I have truely come to trust the signs....

This brings me back to my sign today.

My B and I have been through hell with fertility problems. We have been thrown to Donor Sperm and removing my Fallopian tubes....to going to a new Fertility Specialist who has given us some hope. But when they did a examination on my B, it was discovered that his swimmers are immobile...ie they simply do not move. We were told that there is nothing we can do to improve the situation. Their solution was, at time of IVF, they could be more aggressive in trying to find "swimmers", failing this we could use Donor Sperm or Abort the process....

This was difficult to accept. How could they tell us that he had swimmers but nothing could be done to increase the motility. There must be something we can do?

So I went on a Google adventure and came across a few overseas articles which threw more light on the situation. The basic things that could help was to increase vitamins and ginseng. We have started this process...we have nothing to lose...

However, today, on the forum, Fertilicare, one of the couples facing a very similar (yet unique) situation were thrown a lifeline. And that was my sign. I called B and said "Lets make an appointment and go and see this Doctor".

So I am going to contact this Doctor...let him know our history...fly down to see him and take it from there. I do not know what answers he will give us...but we have gotta walk this road.

I know more than anything that I want my Bs baby. I do not want to walk the road of Donor sperm and "Should I or Should I not tell"....it is heartbreaking enough to not be able to carry your genetically matched child...but then to endure the other after effects.

The Universe sent me the most lovable, supporting, kindhearted partner...

If it was that good to me...why would it stop now?

XXXX