Look at Me

My sister C scratched through our family albums for my baby shower and she used some of my baby pictures....they are so cute.....hee hee...so I have posted them here for all to see

Stress Levels

After living on a high for all of my pregnancy, my world crumbled on Monday. My Dad had a heart attack this weekend and was in ICU......he is okay now...he is going in for a Bypass this Friday. I crumbled yesterday because my Dad is a very stubborn man and refused to listen to Doctors orders. He started telling me where his will was, the combination to his briefcase and wanted to go home and take his chances.....grrrrr....through all my tears I told my Dad that I could not handle him talking like this and said I would get my B to talk to him. My B came to the rescue and called my Dad.....Thank you Universe for my B.

My Dads girlfriend also got the results from her Gynae on Monday...her Cervical Cancer is back and there is no more that the Gynae can do....she is only 28 years old...does not have any children of her own. (Yupp, my Dad is 72 ...so there is a big age gap).

Then my sister C's BIL had a heart attack this week too and is also in ICU, also going for a Quadru Bypass on Friday...he is only 50 years old

I could feel the stress levels were high in my body yesterday...my poor little Jada did not know what hit her and was very restless last night....she kicked for at least two hours solid. My poor baby.

I have made a point of being very calm today.... I am now responsible for this little precious angel....I am her Mom

I am sending love out to my friends Ginger and Alchemist......

Older Sisters

Now, when I was a little girl I loved my big sisters...I used to love scratching in all their personal items, putting on their make up and shoes....you see, my older sisters are MUCH OLDER than me...sister C is 9 years olders and Sister D is 12 years older. So naturally with this come alots of picking on the baby sister. They are very jealous of me...cause I will always be younger than them....hee heee...


Anyway, my sisters are enjoying the Whole "Baby sister" pregnancy thing. It is well known in the family that I have always said that "I don't do stink nappies"....This comment has been brought up again...but my sisters are using "Facebook" as their weapon of choice

My sister C responds to my Sister D's comment about an upcoming race:
"Don't get too exhausted because you'll be coming out here to babysit just after! And according to Bratty, "I don't do smelly nappies!" So you're in for a busy time training your baby sister that some things are not an option!!! Heehee! xxx"

To which my Sister D responds:
"Methinks my baby sister might have a few surprises coming her way....!"

Well, methinks my big sisters are in for a big surprise....

Anyway, today my sister C decided to pay tribute to my Darling B on Facebook. My sister C feels sorry for my poor B cause I am the worst patient. My B is so patient and tolerant of my behaviour...he is my Rock....

I get it C...I whine too much.

But anyway, Thank you my B for taking such care of me...I love you lots and lots like Jelly tots...I love you all the world

I love you too my Sisters...but remember, any nonsense and I will set my B on you...hee hee

PS...My B washed our little dogs last night in "Elizabeth Anne" Shampoo...so that I would not feel so ill smelling them. They now smell like Roses

I am Pregnant

Yupp...that is what the blood test says..."You are pregnant...beta 124"...it feels unreal....I feel such elation with such depression.

I have started spotting...this has just added to my stress levels. I have been told it is quite normal....well, yupp..you try get through the next few days spotting!!!!. Hmmmmm...I thought the toilet paper "roll checks" were over once you get your BFP. I just need my Beta to double tomorrow...please Universe

I am totally confused by my emotions. I thought the day I got my BFP I would be so happy..it would mean the end of my "dry years"..if thats what I can call it. I would be like all the other woman...

Don't get me wrong...I am very happy. I just feel out of depth...like I am in between worlds right now. I actually don't belong anywhere. I am no longer "battling" and I am not "pregnant. Did I mention that I am also super sensitive at the moment. I hover between breaking out in smiles and bursting into tears. I have wanted to be pregnant since the age of 20/21...and it was never a possibility. Now I am "pregnant"....and what do I want to do....crawl back into my tortoise shell...

I got this poem this morning from one of my fertilicare ladies....it came at a time when I needed a reminder about having faith

A New Day

Well, I am officially 1 week away from testing....and my excitement is back.

My cramping is almost gone, my breast have gone down (boo hoo), my nipples are back to normal and I am no longer leaking..eekk.....yippeeeeeee...and I only have 8 more Gestone injections...10 done...more than half way through

So I am feeling absolutely great. I feel like I have my strength back and can cope with another week.

Thanks everyone for your support in my moment of doubt and darkness....this 2ww is not for the faint hearted...smile

My Mom is back from New Zealand tomorrow...yahoo...yahooo...I have missed my parents so much

Heres to hope ...again...I love being pregnant

The Best Things in Life are Free

Today, I am in a much better mood than yesterday. I started my third day of medication and my body has kicked into "druggie mode"....ie side effect..what are they???

I started my day in tears because me and my B went to my sisters house before work...and I was once again reminded that my Mom, two dogs and four cats would be moving out this weekend...but thats okay, I got the tears over and done with for the day.

Moving onto happier moments...I was talking to my Dad. I was telling him all about Egg Retrieval and Egg Transfer...then out of the blue he pipes out "Congratulations, I am going to be a Grandad"... I burst out laughing and said "But Dad..I am not pregnant yet" to which he responded "Well, you are going to be"...Good sign, I think so.

Then last night I was talking to my Mom and she was asking me all about my injections. I think she has forgotten that I am going for IVF. She says to me "When are you going to be pregnant after the injections"....I think she has clearly forgotten that my B has had a vasectomy and I have no fallopian tubes. I think she has even forgotten that you gotta have nookies to fall pregnant...she is so sweet...love her to bits

Then my BFF calls today...she is going to New York from the 23 to 27 March 2010. She wanted me to know that she needs to know if I am pregnant by then...cause she cannot cope with the waiting anymore....I just laughed.

My B has decided that he is not entertaining 2 eggs being put back...he wants four or five...eeekkkk...I think that he has forgotten who has to carry those babies....When I remind him, he just says "Well, you lie on your back and I will feed you icecream, sweets and all nice things"

I am very fortunate to have people around me that care and love me...for this I am very grateful.

I love the fact that I am finally going to find out if a little soul out there in the big Universe has chosen me to be their Mommy...now isn't that a lovely thought....that some kinda perfection is wanting me.

I must have done something good in my life to deserve these opportunities and good fortune

I LOVE LIFE....

The Tears I Cry

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I started my Menopur injections yesterday and my hormonal levels are in full swing right now.

I have been weeping and dizzy as a side effect. I really was shocked that I am experiencing the side effects.....because I am Jane (and my B is Tarzan)

But today is a very very sad day for me.....my Mom (who lives with me) has decided it is time to move out. She is going to move into my sisters Granny flat. She feels it is time to let me and my B have a life together with our new family. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am very "Ma Vas"...for the last ten years my Mom has either lived with me or next door to me. Now she is moving away.

I am heartbroken. I feel like I have failed my Mom. I feel like I am deserting her.....all I have ever wanted was for my Mom to feel protected and live forever. I am battling to even write the words to express how much I love my Mom...my tears are spilling over my cheeks. My soul is aching..I feel like I am loosing my child

Mom...I love you

Change of Attitude

I sat today, thinking about how negative I have been in the last few days...wrong, so wrong of me. How do I expect to receive goodness when I am sending out such negative feedback. Bad Brat!!!!!

So today, I am going to focus on the postive.

My Brother is staying with us for a week. His two children are absolutely beautiful. My niece has my B wrapped around her little finger. She sticks her arms in the air and immediately is snatched up by my B. She wraps her tiny arms around his neck. I can see that he is loving it. He would make an excellent "Daddy". God willing, I hope this will be our path to walk

My step daughter spent the weekend with us. She is twenty years old and is really becoming a woman. But her Dad, my B, often sits her down and has a heart to heart talk with her. It is only then that I see that innocence coming out. She looks at her Dad and I can see the love she has for him. She bought me a pair of baby socks this weekend...with "Happy Cats" on them. It is my Good Luck charm for my up and coming IVF.

This week has really been a week for family, celebrating the joys of having a brother and sisters. I would not change it for the world. Yeah, we fight...yeah, they like to tell me what to do (I am the baby)...but I cannot deny the warm sensation that fills my heart being around them.

I went to Vitalab on Tuesday for my CD (cycle day) 2. They scanned me. I cannot say it was a pleasant experience. Nothing like having "Tannie Van Rooyen" and your FS sticks his scanning probe up there. My B and I were in hysterics...trying to wipe away the evidence. It was Yuck...but hell, if this is the price to pay for a little one of our own, bring it on.

The IVF nurse has put me on the pill. I have been a good girl. I have taken it every morning along with my folic acid and multi vitamin. I wish that I could fast forward until the end of March to see if my IVF works...but that would be wishing my life away, again. I need to focus on today. I need to live for now.

Hello today..I welcome you with open arms

My Pretend "Family"

On Sunday, my B, mom and I decided to pick up my sister C's three boys and take them to the Vanderbyl zoo for the day. They have a beautiful bird aviary there we wanted to have a look at. It was an absolutely amazing day. We picked them up at 8am.

Walking around the zoo, I had this amazing feeling of being a "real", even though it was pretend, family. The three boys were talking, laughing, running around..I was buying them cooldrinks, toys and snacks. It was lovely feeling like a family.

To anyone with a family, this might seem weird, almost psycho, but to me, it felt so natural. I love my nephews with all my heart. I also want to be a Mom. I want to take my LO's on trips. I want to walk with my head held high with a "yes, those are my kids" attitude...But, alas, I will wait. My turn will come

Today, I called my Brother G. His lazy good for nothing wife is determined to go through with the divorce. I am so angry with her. It is like the devil has possessed her Soul...evil!!!!!

The good news is that my Brother G is going to fight for custody of their two LO. I am so proud of him. The LO's are a boy S, 4yrs old and a girl H, 2 years old. My brother can definitely give them a better life and much more stable. I worry that my SIL will keep the kids from us.

The other good news is that my Brother G is coming to JHB this weekend for a "WHOLE" week....yahhoooooo...I am so happy. I love my brother. Although we have had our differences over the years, I have always looked up to my big brother (10 years older than me)

Not much news...so "fluit, fluit, my storie is uit"

So I went to See our Spiritual Healer

I suppose I expected a little too much....I wanted to know everything ...but alas it was not to be.

I focused on the normal issues about family, home, work and children...here are her answers

Family

My Mom is fine but needs to start focussing on herself and her interest

My sister D is doing good

My sister C is doing fine but has a deep sadness...but is not ready to deal with it

My brother G is depressed and will be so for a long time....(this was my only reason for concern)

My Dad is 100% fine but lives in his own world but happily...

My BFF, (yupp you T),I gave you good advise when I said "Get out now"....but alas you will have to be ready to make that decision (still love ya)

Home

My B and I would be moving in the next 2 years to a small holding/farm (ironically we are busy looking for a farm)

My home life is very good and our relationship has 100% blessings from up above

Work

My boss is an irritable man who is deeply uphappy. He needs to assert his authority to feel good. I would not be here for much longer. My boss would miss me and realise just how hard I worked for him

Children

Could not see anything but there was a possibility

I need to start focusing on my new life with my B. My life prior to my B was a shadow of darkness. I carried far too much responsibility. I now have a new life in which I can heal

So nothing new was revealed to me...but thats okay..I am still very happy that I got confirmation about the life that I am living

On a sadder note...this infertility journey had reared its ugly head again...

Last night was the first night my B and I have been intimate since my Laparotomy....yupp, my poor B has been on rations for a long time. It (last night)was wonderful..to say the least

However, immediately afterwards, I just burst into tears...I could not stop it. It felt like a river had burst its banks. The tears just came...the sadness was overwhelming.

My poor B was petrified that he had hurt me physically. However, I was just so sad that our baby would not be concieved in this incredible feeling of love that my B and I have. Instead, it would be chemically produced and fertilised in a dish.

I know, I know....I should be happy that at least I can have a baby. Well, F....that!!!!! It still makes me SAD

On a happier note, My B and I have plans. We are both so tired of urban living. We have been thinking alot about buying a small holding/farm. We went to see a few places this weekend just to get ideas. I have never felt so "right" about moving. I was totally at peace.

We have now made it our goal. By the end of 2010, our house will be on the market and we will be moving to the farm.....yippee

The Ups and Downs of Life

I have had a hectic two days...full of ups and downs.

First lets go to the ups....they are fewer than the downs

Up no 1 - Dr J called me on Wednesday. He got a second opinion of my B's swimmers from Prof K. Prof K agreed with Vitalab's assessement but told us to take 5mg Folic acid and 40 mg Zinc for three months. This could help. We are definitely giving it a shot

Up no 2 - I have one more sleep before I go and see our Spiritual Healer. I am so in need of some soul searching and guidance....I really need it..really need it

Now onto the Downs

Down no 1 - My brother emailed me yesterday to tell me that his wife wants a divorce. I was gutted. My brother and his wife have always been a good pair in my eyes. My brother waited 37 years for his wife...what I mean..and don't laugh..he was still a virgin when he got married at 37. I have always admired him for his respect for his wife and two children. He is a good man. My SIL had a hysterectomy a few months ago and since then has fallen into a depression...and has resulted in her wanting a divorce. I started my morning in tears. Almost like the end of a dream....

Down no 2 - I have been back at work for 1.5 weeks after being off for a month. I have worked my arse off and have got my Financials completed and I am almost up to date. However, when I got back, I discovered one of the staff had hidden an outstanding Debtors by not invoicing it out. I immediately contact myHDR department to deal with it. However, my MD is back from leave...and came for his weekly meeting. He tore me apart saying that the management at our branch are useless. He belittled me and my fellow managers telling us he hated coming to our branch because we are all incompetent. He moaned because I was not 100% up to date with my work. I HATE this place. I have threatened to leave so many times...but it is like a cult. You know it is wrong..but for some reason you just cannot let go. It is like a shiny apple with a big fat worm eating it from the inside....Yet again I was in tears

Down no 3 - I decided to log onto the fertility forum to get an update on all the lovely ladies. My friend, Chloe, who has been trying for a baby, fell pregnant in December..just before Xmas. She went for her 7 week scan yesterday and the "sac" was empty....I was devastated. This infertility journey takes you through such highs and then throws you to the curb like a dog.

So today I am not a happy bunny. 2010 held so many promises, hopes and dreams. Today it just feels like a continuation of 2009 soul breaking year

Sorry

My Dad

So today is Sunday...and my Dad came over for a braai...

I was up at the crack of dawn, cleaning, scrubbing, disinfecting, putting away tools.....


Now yesterday was quite a hectic day. I must say, I was not feeling in top form...a little cramping...but my dogs were playing hectically again and my Xena cut herself open again...yes, the same dog as two weeks ago. So we bundled Xena and Monty (we thought we might as well get him snipped at the same time) into the vehicle and off to the vet.


This morning, after cleaning, off we went to the vet to get the two dogs...rushed off to the local Spar to get meat and other goodies, raced home, made sure all was in order for my Dads arrivals


Well, today, he was in a top mood......and was totally intrigued with my B's paintball gun. He even gave it a go and shot off a few rounds. He was very impressed with all the work my B has done around the house (building walls, gates, etc)....so all went well


Ooopss, almost forgot. He did have one complaint. I had bought sosatie boerewors (which is very tasty) and my Dad hit a wobbly.....and off he walked to the nearest PnP to buy some normal boerewors....aahhh..yyyaaaya


By the end of the day, I was exhausted....finished...caputs...but had a smile on my face. I love my Dad..

My Mom

Today is a very special day. Today is my Mom's 71st birthday

Happy Birthday Mom......

My Family

I am sitting in my bed...dwindling my thumbs...looking through photos of my family...and realising how good I have it

This picture is of my big sister D, my 2nd big sister C and me...followed by beautiful Mom

This is my B and I having fun in the pool

And the smile on my face on the day my B made me his wife

I AM ONE LUCKY GIRL

My B is a Blogger

I came home to find out that my B is finally a Blogger...yahoo..yahoo...only problem is we are going to fight over the laptop...hee hee...

Check it out

http://darlinghusbandsgaze.blogspot.com

He makes me so proud....

Welcome Home Monty

Saturday was an amazing day. My B and Mom went to fetch the new addition to our family....our Golden Retriever, Monty (previously known as Jessie). Monty was an absolute pleasure in the car...and adapted to my other dogs without a problem. Well, actually, just one little problem...he keeps wanting to "bonk" my beautiful Xeena. So...he will shortly be taken to the vet for the "snip snip".....My Xeena was playing so nicely with Monty but got so excited she ran into our wheelbarrow and cut herself quite badly....So off we went to the vet so he could sew her up. My poor baby!

I had to work on Saturday. I have so much work to do before I go on "sick leave". I actually got alot done and hopefully will have peace of mind when I leave on Monday.

I have packed all my hospital stuff on the table in my bedroom. All brand new stuff...yippee.. But my emotions are tired. I feel like I have lost my "vavavoom"...no more "mojo". I have spent the weekend on painkillers and I am really feeling out of it.

Even now, I am typing but I am not feeling what I am saying....arrrhhhh..it is probably just my nerves kicking in.

Sorry....!

Ek's A Dapper Dapper Muis

Tonight B and I are sitting cosily on the bed....I am watching him as he zips through my blog, trying to make me look "super smart" (not much luck, smile)...and then I realised : Tomorrow is one week until my Laparotomy...eeekkk.

I left work early today, went and paid for the doctors bill for next week..had my blood test done and raced home, very grateful that I could miss the traffic. All of this was done in a very robotic way. Do this, then that..slips this into place and postpone that. I think that my mind has kicked into survival mode. I think that this is the only way you control a terrible fear seeping into your soul. I know I will survive. Thats just what I do..i survive!!! Ek's a Dapper Dapper Muis, kyk hoe stap ek deur die Huis!



On a funnier note, I called my sister C this morning and she proceded to give me a lecture about the "New Dog". It went something like "Bratty, you should not be taking another dog...blah..blah..blah". I think sometimes she forgets that I am a grown woman, earning a living, loving a husband....i think she still sees me sometimes as her "Bratty Baby Sister"...but as usual, all ends well. By this afternoon she sent me the most beautiful SMS

It Read "A Dog is the only creature that loves you more than it loves itself"...beautiful, my sister. Thank you very much. It brightened up my day.

Right now, I am hoping to flop my head onto my feather cushions and get a good nights sleep. B has been sleeping very badly since I have been dosing him up with half of Chinas Ginseng...don't worry Angel..just 90 more days to go

Night everyone...sleep tight, let the angels guard your dreams

My Favourite Daddy

This is what I got from my Dad today....brought a tear to my eye..

If I was a star.
I would shine for you

If I was a bird.
I would sing for you

If I was an angel.
I would look after you

but

because I'm just DADDY
All I can do is wish you all the best in life

Our New Addition to the Family

Well yesterday was quite a hectically busy day. B and I were up at 6 (on a damn Saturday) and our day began quite quickly. Mom and I raced off to the shops. First, we went Grocery shopping for us...then off to the Pet Shop for the animals food/toys. Next stop was the "Paintball Shop". I had bought B a Paintball gun for his birthday.....it is his pride and joy. I have a fear of guns (thanks to ex husband putting a gun to my head in one of his moments of madness)...so it took alot of persuading from B to get a Paintball gun. As a surprise, i bought him a spare gas cylinder. He was so chuffed. Then off to the shoe shop...cannot buy B something without treating myself...and bought myself a shiny new pair of shoes. Yahoo...i love shoes. Finally off to the local "Spar" to buy meat for a braai....

Got home, unpacked everything....loved the B for a little bit...made lunch....jumped in the car (B, Mom and I)...picked up sister C and her three boys...and off we went to my Cousins Js farewell. My cousin is emigrating to New Zealand.

Got there about 4ish..long drive..took an hour and a half. This is the first time i have been to Cousin Js house...normally we always meet at either Cousin S, sister C or home. We went through the gate and what comes running towards us? The most beautiful Golden Retriever named Jessie....he is absolutely beautiful. B and I could not stop playing with Jessie...the animal lovers that we are. And for some reason, Jessie loved B...(by the way Jessie is a boy).

I asked Cousin J what she is going to be doing with Jessie when she emigrates in two weeks. She did not know...if they could not find a home, Jessie would be joining other dogs on her mother-in-laws farms. Well, that was too much for B.....he pulled me aside and said "I want this dog...he would play nicely with our Xena" (Xena is our German shepherd.). I thought about it for about 1 second...and said "Okay"....B then went and discussed it with Cousin J and husband....they finally agreed that we can take Jessie for R700.00. (apparently he is a thorough bred...hence the money transactions)

I must say B and i were a little pissed that they sold us the dog because, surely, getting it a good home should be the first priority. But, so be it, at least Jessie will now be safe. My Aunt and Uncle pulled us aside and said "Thank you, thank you...we know that Jessie is going to the best of homes". They love the dog but could not take him because they live in a complex.

My sister C growled at me from the other side of the party. "You should be saving for a baby..not buying another dog" (my sister wants nieces and nephews to play with...not furry dogs that lick her face) and then conceded that Jessie was a beautiful dog....so all ended well and we will be fetching Jessie next Saturday....yippee

Jessie will joining our large extended family of 7 cats (Garfield, Missy, Jonathan, Tiny, Brakpan, Jungle Boy and Black cat)...our 6 dogs (3 min pins...Camy, Roxy, Gipsy....1 no-name brand, Sunshine...1 German Shepherd, Xena....and one Chow/Labrador....Butch), our African Grey..Joco...our koi pond and our fish tank of tropical fish.

I know B and I are extreme with our animal babies..but everyone of them means the world to us. We are passionate about animals and take good care of them. The idea that an animal suffers affect B and I...and if we can do something about it, we will

So heres to Jessie...welcome to our family