Thank Goodness 2009 is Almost Over

This year 2009 has really been tough. Besides all the infertility issues, I had to bust my General Manager for fraud..he was fired..and I had to work my arse off to get the work in order..

Then, I have had endless problems with animals...two cats passed away...and just this month I have spent R 6000 at the vet. Xeena was in twice for cuts...how it happened we don't quite know. Then Monty had lumps on him which had to be cut out and he was neutered.

Then the final straw.....on monday night my Butch (my Chow) attacked my Sunshine savageously....We noticed that Sunshines face started to swell. Off to the vet we went. The vet spent two days draining puss from my Sunshines head. Butch had got Sunshines head into his mouth.

My Sunshine looks like a battered woman. His entire head is shaved and there are stitches on his head and down his neck. He is all swollen and black and blue from bruising..my heart was very sore when I saw what my Butch had done to Sunshine. My loving animals fighting!!!!! I don't understand......

This is the naughty Butch....he got a big hiding from my B....

This is my beautiful Sunshine. I was very afraid that we would lose him

Anyway, we have put Sunshine is our pool area...and my B is busy making a gate...

I will be very happy to see the back of 2009.

Xmas has Come and Gone

So it's that time of year again when Xmas is over and you start looking forward to a brand New Year.
This Xmas was quite simple in our house...we have felt the pinch of me going through three procedures from Aug to 8 December (A Painful HSG, A Laparoscopy where fibroid, cyst and tubes were removed and final, the cherry on the top, The Laparotomy)..and my darling B going through two testicular biopsies (August and November)...But besides all of that, Santa came to visit. He looked surprisingly enough like my darling B..and he brought gifts.

I was spoilt by Santa. I got two T Shirts (one says "Playgirl, the Other "Hierdie Boeremeisie VATIKAKI), I got alot of incense and an incense holder, A beautiful book of How to make Handcrafted Ornaments and three DVD's (District 9, Hanover and My Sisters Keeper)

I was Chuffed...!!!!!

But, now, I am starting to looking forward to year 2009 coming to an end. It really has been a tough year and has challenged me in every aspect of my life...I have felt every emotion a psychologist could describe..

For 2010, I have already started making a "Goal List"...I don't normally do this but I though that this year, I would spice things up....hell, what have I got to lose?

I have been reasonable with my goals and I have put deadlines to them. I am determined to make 2010 a good year, a year to look back on and say "Good things happen to Good People"

So Goodbye 2009... I am breaking free of your chains

And heres to 2010....bring on the joy

Thanks Hopeful for Reminding Me It's Xmas

I copied this from Mommy-In-Waitings blog...This year I have been mopping around, feeling real sorry for myself...so today, I am going to get into the festive season. My B is getting off work early...so we are going SHOPPING..Yahhoooo

Eggnog or hot chocolate? Neither....cannot stand milky products

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? Wraps them and puts them under the tree

Colored lights on a tree or white? Coloured lights!

Do you hang mistletoe? No...my B would be chasing me around wanting kisses galore...hee hee

When do you put your decorations up? Normally in December but this year, I only put our tiny little Xmas tree up today...boo hoo

What is your favorite holiday dish? I never grew up with Xmas...sad, I know...so I love the idea of a full Xmas lunch (gravy, potatoes, rice, pumpkin, peas, roast chicken).

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? With my B around, we never can wait until Xmas day...so yupp, Christmas eve it is

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I have a little Xmas tree...so it have little lights and tiny wooden carved ornaments

Snow: love it or hate it? I have only seen snow once in my life...it was the first year of living in JHB...it was wonderful...I was like a little girl again

Can you ice skate? Yupp, when I was younger I went for Ice Skating lessons...actually was quite good at it

What is your favorite holiday dessert? My Mom makes the most delicious Apple Pie with Ice Cream...yum

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Getting to start a whole new Xmas tradition with my B....

Candy canes: yum or yuck? YUM!

Favorite Christmas show? Don't watch TV on Xmas eve....This is time for family

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

Jonathan to the Rescue

Tonight I got a "full length" lecture from my darling B about my negative attitude. He told me that I am so depressed but I continue the cycle by going onto the fertilcare forum, which depresses me even more......

So, in times like this, I call on Mr Jonathan Butler, to save the day. His music is absolute soul music for me...I know the words to every song. I close my eyes and I just sing along at the top of my lungs...poor B (his ears must be killing him..or is it me?).

Anyway, this have definitely improved my "mind space"

Tomorrow, I will put Jonathan on the hi-fi and blare it through the house...and just for a moment I will forget about my pity party

"Take Good Care of Me"
I got up the nerve to try again
Some broken hearts, given time will mend
Will you be gentle if I surrender all to you,

Please understand that I got to be sure
The lessons I've learned I can't ignore
Will you be gentle if I surrender all to you,

Take good care of me
'Cause my heart's a tender thing,
Take good care of me
'Cause this heart has known much pain
And could never handle hurting again
So take good care of me, of me
Thanks Jonathan!!!!

Am I Really Ready for a Baby?

I don't know if it is the depression setting in but today, I have gone on a grinding HALT. I don't want a baby anymore. I don't want to go through this infertility treatment. I don't want the heartache that is attached to it. I just don't want it anymore....grrrrrr

One of my friends on the fertilicare forum has just experienced a miscarriage and my heart is aching for her.....thinking about the pain she is now experiencing. I know that I am not as brave as her. She is one hellava strong woman. She has been through numerous IVF and FET....I just can't go through that. I cannot do it.

I spoke to my darling B about how I am feeling. His response "My Baby, I am fine with that. I will love you no more or less if we don't have children". I instantly felt relieved.

Have I lost my head finally? I think about how much your life is put on "hold" whilst you are undergoing infertility. Everyone around you cannot understand because alot of the conversations you have are inside your head.

I spoke to my Mom about not having children. Her response "My Baby, I love you...you are my baby..whether you have babies or not, I will still love you"

I am so frustrated cause deep inside I have always imagined this wonderful birth and glorious happiness that follows...but now I am in two minds.

All I seem to be focusing on is the pain. The pain of failed IVF attempt, the pain of miscarriages, the pain of the delivery....

All I can see is the good in Not having children. I can focus on my career. I can focus on hobbies. I can travel. I can focus on my Darling B. I do not have to worry about safety and failing school systems.

I have known too much pain in my life. I don't want it anymore. When I met my B I felt that my pain would finally end. At last I could start healing from 34 years of damage. But, it has started again....all this pain...all this disappointment. I just want to be happy.

Don't tell me that no pain/no growth ...cause I will tell you to F..off. I have had my lifetime dose of pain...not only physically but emotionally and financially. When is it enough?

I don't want to feel like a failure anymore. Let me just give up the race before I fail...much easier road to travel.

It just takes so much pressure away....I can start living my life.

And "NO"...I won't fall pregnant if I relax...it ain't gonna happen

So the Madness kicks In

Today, I am feeling sooooo down. There is no reason for me to feel this way but I do...!!!!

I am tired of being butchered. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being stuck at home.

My computer is still sick so I have no correspondence with the outside world. My sister is on holiday so I don't get to see her.

My friend, Chloe, has just got her BFP and I cannot even wish her because our computer with ADSL somehow does not allow me to log into fertilicare....

I could just burst into tears but I won't

I have gotta do something...just what?

I am loosing my mind

Financial Depression

I have been sitting and thinking today. This IF stuff is so expensive and "everyone else" does not seem to have a problem coughing up the money. "Everyone else" seem to have endless supply of money to do treatments.
Now, my B and I earn decent salaries and live in a decent house in a decent area....so why do I feel so poor. Everything is just more money, more medication, more tests....where the hell do people get this supply of readily available funds ?


I get so angry that medical aid does not allow a "certain %" for fertility treatment. The worse thing is that when and "if" we start fertility treatment, we are looking at R 45 000.00 a shot (because my B has to go under as well). If we do two treatments a year, that is R 90 000.00 an annum. That equates to approx R 7 500 per month to be saved...(did I mention that I am an accountant?). Thats alot of money.....

I know that the end results (being pregnant) is priceless...but getting there is a problem to me. It would be great if I could get a positive Beta on my first try...but Statistics show that it will probably take up to four attempts....and that freaks me out.

My B and I work hard for our money..and I am dreaming of going on an overseas holiday to visit my Sister in New Zealand and my BFF in London...even going on my fantasy holiday in New Orleans or Rio de Janeiro.....but all of that is on hold because we have to put together a "baby" fund.

And I can forget about any retail therapy that I love so much...no more shoes or CDs/DVDs (my favourite buys.. )

Am I the only "Scrooge" out there? I am not materialistic just practical...or maybe I am just getting too old for this process....grrrrrr

My Dad

So today is Sunday...and my Dad came over for a braai...

I was up at the crack of dawn, cleaning, scrubbing, disinfecting, putting away tools.....


Now yesterday was quite a hectic day. I must say, I was not feeling in top form...a little cramping...but my dogs were playing hectically again and my Xena cut herself open again...yes, the same dog as two weeks ago. So we bundled Xena and Monty (we thought we might as well get him snipped at the same time) into the vehicle and off to the vet.


This morning, after cleaning, off we went to the vet to get the two dogs...rushed off to the local Spar to get meat and other goodies, raced home, made sure all was in order for my Dads arrivals


Well, today, he was in a top mood......and was totally intrigued with my B's paintball gun. He even gave it a go and shot off a few rounds. He was very impressed with all the work my B has done around the house (building walls, gates, etc)....so all went well


Ooopss, almost forgot. He did have one complaint. I had bought sosatie boerewors (which is very tasty) and my Dad hit a wobbly.....and off he walked to the nearest PnP to buy some normal boerewors....aahhh..yyyaaaya


By the end of the day, I was exhausted....finished...caputs...but had a smile on my face. I love my Dad..

I Made a Friend

My computer is sick...so I am having to wait on my B to bring his Laptop home so that I can play....And then I have to wrestle him to the ground to get time on it..he thinks its foreplay...hee hee.

So, for the last two days, I have had to keep myself occupied. So what do I do best, I paint. To the utter horror of my Mom and maid, Lizzy, I put on my "workgear" and pulled out the paint brushes, rollers and paint. "What are you doing?" my mother cried in horror. "I am painting" I responded with pride. "B is going to kill us" exclaims Lizzy whilst she walks away panicking that she will be in trouble.


Needless to say, I continued on my mission. I painted the newly built wall, then proceeded to paint the gate my B built on the weekened. Still not satisfied, I painted our fireplace.


Silence filled the air as my B arrived at home...Mom and Lizzy slunk away to avoid any potential arguments and I firmly stood my ground. B says "What are you doing?"...I put on my famous manipulative smile and said "I am painting"...to which he responded with a smile. He knows better than to mess with the "Brat". I, for the first time in almost two weeks, felt worthy. I did something instead of sit around on my lazy arse. Mission accomplished


So today, I was in for another surprise. One of the ladies from the Fertilicare forum had contacted me and wanted to get together for coffee. I was so happy. Since moving to JHB, I have not had many opportunities to make friends. Other than people at work, I do not tend to socialise outside of the family circle. I come from a large circle of friends in Durban and all my life have had this network of loving friends. So it was a little lonely in JHB without them.


The day started with her picking me up and taking me out...yippeee....freeeeeddddoooommmm. We went down to the JHB Waterfront for coffee. Then picked up her two girls and they came back to my house to swim. Munchkin got to meet my darling B. It was nice to have time out with a friend. This infertility has made me very closed up. So making friends is not always easy.


The most common reason for making friends is having stuff in common. I feel like monotony has sent into my personality with this infertility. So knowing that someone understands without having to say a word is wonderful


So Thanks Munchkin....welcome to my world

Welcome to My Pity Party

Isn’t it amazing how the mind works? When your body starts to heal from a wound, your mind takes a little longer. My bruising and swelling is subsiding and I feel a whole lot better…but my mind is still not right.

Yesterday was a joyous day. It was my darling Moms birthday…her 71st birthday. My sister C came over with her three boys. It was wonderful watching my darling nephews playing. My sister Cs eldest boy, J, cleaned my fish tank for me…what a honey….Oh, I love her boys

And despite all the happiness that surrounds me, I am filled with immense sadness. I look back on my 37 years of life. I think about the dreams I had of having my own little ones. I think about the excitement of one day, peeing of a stick and surprising my darling B with “We are pregnant”. I think about us giggling like excited children, knowing that we are going to be parents.

This has all been taken away from me. My body cannot produce children naturally. It will all start with a couple of daily injections into the tummy, followed by another couple into my rear end…followed by a trigger shot. I will then have to go under anesthetic and have my eggs retrieved from my swollen follicles. These will be fertilized in a dish and replaced back in my body after a few days. Then I start my 2 weeks waiting. After that, I have a Beta test done and this will show whether I am pregnant or not.

There is no surprise in this…only a few weeks of living on the edge with questions like

1. How well are you stimulating?
2. How many follicles are there?
3. How many eggs are retrieved?
4. How many eggs have been fertilized?
5. How many eggs do you put back?
6. How will they take?
7. Have the fertilized eggs attached to my “corrected” womb lining
8. And if you happen to get a positive beta, how many survived…could it be twins?

I think what I am trying to say is that….the naturalness of the process has been taken away from me. Some will argue, yes…but you can still carry a child? There are women out there that cannot.

Well, I am not one of those women. But that does not mean it does not hurt. This Assisted Reproduction process is much more than physical. It is about mental anguish.

I am allowed to mourn. The only way to get back on your feet is to allow yourself to mourn and acknowledge how far you have come. I have to acknowledge blessings in technology, allowing me this opportunity. Had I been born in another century, I would have be a barren woman…

I have to start looking at the good things in life. My B and I will be “over the moon” the day they say “Your beta is ….” We will be the happiest, best, loving parents a child or two could have.

A few years ago, I decided to be an egg donor. I donated three lots of eggs. Healthy eggs! If I had known back then the problems I am now having, would I still have done it? Would I have put myself through the overstimulation and egg retrieval knowing that my chances would be so dramatically reduced?

The answer is YES, YES, YES. My life had to follow its route so that I could finally find my B. It led me on a path to finally have someone who loves me more than I could imagine. And if my destiny does not allow me children, then I will have to start looking at another direction to take. I am destined for big things. I just don’t know what they are yet.

I am “me”. I am an Infertile and I will survive

My Mom

Today is a very special day. Today is my Mom's 71st birthday

Happy Birthday Mom......

I Am Bored

Holy Crap....I am bored...so bored...I am going out of my mind. I do not know what to do....if it were up to me, I would be painting my kitchen walls..but alas, this butchered body and darling B say "Sorry for you. Sit your arse in bed"

Now, I am battling with this whole concept of being bored. My family have always taught me that "Being bored in a sign of stupidity..an intellectual mind will always find something to do"......Maybe I am "Closet Stupid". I am boggling my brain thinking of things to do. I can only surf the Internet for so long...I can only read a book for so long and there is junk of DSTV (and I don't want square eyes).

Hopefully, my sister C is coming to visit today....yahhhhh...company!!!! Maybe, I can beg her to take me to the shops for some retail therapy...I never get bored spending my B's paycheque...hee hee

I suppose I could do some filing...hell no, thats too much like work..,

Okay, I think for today, I will believe I am stupid and be happy being BORED

My Family

I am sitting in my bed...dwindling my thumbs...looking through photos of my family...and realising how good I have it

This picture is of my big sister D, my 2nd big sister C and me...followed by beautiful Mom

This is my B and I having fun in the pool

And the smile on my face on the day my B made me his wife

I AM ONE LUCKY GIRL

Office Hysteroscopy...Here I Come

I have just got back from having my stitches out...and got handed a piece of paper by the nurse. I got into the car and had a look at what it says...Office Hysteroscopy booked for the 11 Jan 2010 at 15:30......you have gotta be kidding me? Another F......ing procedure.

My little heart dropped into my butchered tummy. Why, why, why.....!!!!! I am getting so tired of Fertility Specialist and their stupid procedures. I sometimes wonder if it is not just another money making scheme. Am I really that messed up inside or are they just trying to make some more money?

Alas, I know that I have problems...so it is probably standard procedure. But is it sore??? I am so tired of being in pain, being cut open, having dye injected into places that only my husband can go...

But, I will put on my brave face....and say : Office Hysteroscopy...here I come

You Raise Me Up

Before I met my beautiful B, I used to listen to this song and cry my little heart away...wishing that someone would love me this way...this is the way I deserve to be loved...

And then my B came my way, and I could not wish to be loved anymore than he already does....he is my Rock, My World

You Raise Me Up
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

My Butchered Body

I have just had a total emotional breakdown. Today was the first time I have seen my body in a full length mirror since the operation. And my body is butchered. The cut is about 15cm long and along the top of my pubic area. The cut is not even straight. It is blue and purple, yellow and swollen. The cut looks like a potato sack that has been sewn up quickly

I broke down in tears and Mom went to fetch my beautiful B, who is busy fixing our gutters. He walked into the bedroom and looked at me standing with just my towel wrapped around me and big tears rolling down my face...."Look", I said, "Looked at how they have butchered my body"

My darling B took me in his arms and said "I think you look beautiful"

Universe please bless my B....he is so good to me

My Day of Reckoning

The day began like any ordinary day…except no coffee, no food, hospital bags packed and an empty pit feeling in my stomach. Today was finally the day of my Hysteroscopy/Laparotomy.
Off we bundled in the car..Mom, my B and I…raced through the traffic to get there at 8:45 sharp..we were told be to there at nine and today was one day, we were not going to be late. Checked into the hospital and then we waited…waited…waited…It was actually quite a traumatic wait. You see, the Linkwood Hospital, I only discovered recently, is a maternity hospital. So while you are waiting, a stream of pregnant women or recently “given birth” women pass you….here you are sitting waiting to have your uterus cut open so that you can have a baby and then you are confronted with a stream of “in your face” pregnancies. Obviously, it is more pronounced when you are full of anxiety..like I was.

Anyway, they eventually took me into ward at about 12:30. It was honestly, like a production line in the ward.

There were 14 women scheduled to be operated on. I was very saddened when I looked at them all..all of us putting ourselves through this just so that we can have what comes so naturally for many others.

The anesthetist’ was brilliant…very kind to me. I think he felt very sorry for me because I did not stop crying. When they wheeled me through to surgery, I was crying…waving and crying at my poor B standing, watching me, looking quite lost. I was still crying when they put me under .

I awoke to feel the most excruitiating pain in my groins. God alone knows that I should not be feeling like this. My B and mom stayed with me all the time. My B did not let go of my hand. My poor B! He has gone through all of this with me and did not leave my side for one moment…how can I ever express my love and gratitude to the universe for sending me this love..Words seems so lost in meaning.

I was booked in on Tuesday…and by Wednesday, I was feeling a little better…still very sore but still very drugged up. My mind frame started to shift. I did not see myself being a mother if I had to go through this again. No way. No chance in hell. Forget It. NO-ONE was going to change my mind. I personally think that anyone who voluntary goes for a caeser is loop de loop…crazy…frikken mad…cause it is F….ing sore.

My B was there every evening when I fell asleep. He would hold my hand until I feel asleep. He was there every morning when I opened my eyes…like an angel sent from up above. And on my day of discharge he was there before everyone…he packed my bags, bundled me into the car and drove at +/- 20 kms per hour from the hospital…and anyone who knows my B knows that he is a Michael Schumacher is a “Bakkie”

So now I am at home..hoping to get some TLC and lots of food…pizza tonight…yipeee

My B is a Blogger

I came home to find out that my B is finally a Blogger...yahoo..yahoo...only problem is we are going to fight over the laptop...hee hee...

Check it out

http://darlinghusbandsgaze.blogspot.com

He makes me so proud....

Doom and Gloom

This will be my last post for a few days....I am going into hospital tomorrow at 9:00.

I hope that the pain is not too bad. If all goes well then I will be back on my blog shortly. And I will give you the whole lowdown breakdown of my Laparotomy

I have packed my bags and I bought lots of sweeties and chocolates and cooldrinks and magazines for my stay in hospital.

I am so nervous. I am battling to stay focused today..I feel so numb.

Please, Universe, guard my heart and send me your love and protection.

Amen

Welcome Home Monty

Saturday was an amazing day. My B and Mom went to fetch the new addition to our family....our Golden Retriever, Monty (previously known as Jessie). Monty was an absolute pleasure in the car...and adapted to my other dogs without a problem. Well, actually, just one little problem...he keeps wanting to "bonk" my beautiful Xeena. So...he will shortly be taken to the vet for the "snip snip".....My Xeena was playing so nicely with Monty but got so excited she ran into our wheelbarrow and cut herself quite badly....So off we went to the vet so he could sew her up. My poor baby!

I had to work on Saturday. I have so much work to do before I go on "sick leave". I actually got alot done and hopefully will have peace of mind when I leave on Monday.

I have packed all my hospital stuff on the table in my bedroom. All brand new stuff...yippee.. But my emotions are tired. I feel like I have lost my "vavavoom"...no more "mojo". I have spent the weekend on painkillers and I am really feeling out of it.

Even now, I am typing but I am not feeling what I am saying....arrrhhhh..it is probably just my nerves kicking in.

Sorry....!

Sticks and Stone..but Words do Harm

On the way to work this morning, I was sitting alone in my little car, stuck in traffic and so, my mind started to work overtime again.

I am amazed at the comments/opinions/advice people like to give you. They talk without thinking, and wonder why we burst into tears.

Being an Infertile, no wait, being a Wanna be Mom, is painful. The things we put our body through, the thoughts that run through our minds constantly and the tears we cry....

In less than one week, three people have felt the need to give me an opinion. I do know that these people do not mean me harm...but guess what, words do harm

The first is my Uncle. On Saturday, at my cousins farewell, I was telling them about all my procedures and problems. They are nurses..so they understand the whole journey. My uncle was not listening properly and piped up "Well then use a surrogate". My poor B turned red in the face and said "Well that was just such an insensitive comment".....I could just see my sweet little uncle squirming under my Bs' glare. Needless to say, my uncle apologised immediately...and slunk away to get another glass of wine

The next was a SMS from my Darling Sister-in-Law. It read "Hiya. Want u 2 know im thinking of you lots. Just a suggestion, Surrogate Mom with yrs & Bs egg and sperm...love u". My Darling Sister-in-law is similar in age to me and has just had a Hysterectomy. She was very concerned when I told her what was wrong with me because two of her friends had the same problem and landed up having a Hysterectomy.

The final comment was from my brave Financial Director. Yesterday, he says, well maybe you should consider adoption.

Infertility is not something that just happens, you deal with it and move on. It is a process of mourning, grieving, celebration all wrapped up in a "small" little word. No matter how long it takes, it does not get easier.

So thumbs up to infertiles..I think we are stronger individually than a room full of fertiles

XXX

You are Going to do What???

I left work a little early again today...After reading fertilicare , I found out that I would probably need an enema before the Laparotomy. Now, don't laugh at me...but that part of my body makes me very shy...and the idea that they will be shoving a pipe with warm soapy water up there, is not very appealing. I called my B and sister C in tears...not believing what I was reading. My sister C who has had three babies, two of which were caesars, calmly explained to me that this is a necessary evil..and I would be very grateful for it later. Well, her words were "Next time you go to the toilet, focus on what muscles you use".....absolutely revolting...eeeewwww


I know this is not a hectic thing to happen...but I know that I am very fragile at the moment, trying to keep a balance of scales in terms of my emotions..and this "unexpected" event, even though it is minor, threw me out of balance. I suddenly felt very alone. I decided the only way I would feel better was with some retail therapy....so off I went to the nearest Woollies.



I bought myself another set of Pj's and slippers (I now have three new pairs of Pj's and slippers. One for every night in hospital). I bought some more "granny panties" and I bought some lotions and bodywash. Oh yes, I also bought two new towels. If I am going into hospital to give me a Brand new womb...then I am going to make sure I have Brand new stuff. The way I reason, Brand new womb, brand new clothes.....brand new BABY. Are you listening Universe?????


Without sounding melodramatic, this event in my life has got me reflecting more on the life that I have led to date. I am a firm believer in "the wheel turns", give in life what you would like to receive. I keep thinking what have I done to have resulted in this outcome. I cannot remember being consciously evil or bad. It is difficult to keep negativity from creeping in. I am just hoping that out there, there is a soul, waiting to choose me to be its Mom. Now, thats a nice thought.


On a practical note, I contacted Prof Krugers office today. They were amazingly helpful. The Sister told me to contact my current clinic, get the records, email them through and she would set up a "telephonic" consultation with Prof Kruger. (So sorry, my Capetonian soon-to-be-Fertiles, I won't be seeing you very soon). I am waiting for Vitalab to send me the results...so we can get this party started.


I hate the way I feel right now...it is such a destructive emotion. My counsellor would tell me "Bratty, grieving in normal"...but I know that it just makes me feel weak. Before meeting my B, I was not allowed the luxury of feeling pain or sadness...this was a big "no no"...and since I met B, he has encouraged me to release these pent up emotions. It is still very new to me and in the last few months, I have been thrown in every direction. From a lifetime of being tough, I am still learning to cry. My BFF is also like me...so we are a bad combo...."self destructive"...are you reading T....??????



This experience is very real. It is making me realise that I am, at the end of the day, only human. I cannot carry the world on my shoulders, I cannot solve every problem. Some things are just out of my control...


I feel bad sometimes because there are people out there that are worse off than I am. Some are homeless and hungry. Some are mourning the loss of loved one..no matter how small. Whether your child is fifty one years old or even a one day old fertilized egg..it is a soul. But this is about the journey...what have I learnt? Who have I loved? And who has loved me?


Love is free...yet we fight for material possessions. Laughter is healing...yet we criticise the next person. All souls are born equal. We cannot decide in a womb whether we want to be black or white, Catholic or Atheist....


Make yourself and others accountable for how you live your life....it is your choice....yours and only yours

Universe....I hear You!

Wednesday is a bad day...these are words Mom has always told us...we have lived our lives believing Wednesday is not a day to make important decisions on. How true this is, I don't know...but I generally try and steer clear of Wednesday decision...rather safe than sorry.

But this Wednesday, I was sent a "sign" I just could not ignore.

Before I get there, I just want to explain a little about me.

When I was seventeen years old, I met my ex husband...(my BFF and I have named him F1 - Faulty 1). I spent fifteen years trying to be the perfect wife....However, alas, this was an extremely abusive relationship. I had my fair share of blacks eyes, cut lips and bruises. His infidelity was well known to everyone but me. (This led to my Tube infections...hence the reason I lost my tubes) But being so young, I was easily manipulated. It eventually took my Dad and families assistance to get me out. I was given "Private" security to help me get out of the City I was living in. I got to start over in a new City with no friends.

I vowed I would never get married again. No man would ever disrespect me again...no man would ever make me his slave. I did not believe that "good Men' existed. My family were very concerned because I was quickly heading down the road of Senile Spinster.

Then my B crossed my path...what an amazing gift. It was pure luck that our paths crossed. Then we discovered that we shared the same Birthday...this was a sign..our destinies were intertwined.

All my life, I have ignored signs sent my way. I have not listened to what the universe has told me. Hogwash, thats what I thought...!

When I have thrown caution to the wind, I have always been rewarded. So over the years, I have truely come to trust the signs....

This brings me back to my sign today.

My B and I have been through hell with fertility problems. We have been thrown to Donor Sperm and removing my Fallopian tubes....to going to a new Fertility Specialist who has given us some hope. But when they did a examination on my B, it was discovered that his swimmers are immobile...ie they simply do not move. We were told that there is nothing we can do to improve the situation. Their solution was, at time of IVF, they could be more aggressive in trying to find "swimmers", failing this we could use Donor Sperm or Abort the process....

This was difficult to accept. How could they tell us that he had swimmers but nothing could be done to increase the motility. There must be something we can do?

So I went on a Google adventure and came across a few overseas articles which threw more light on the situation. The basic things that could help was to increase vitamins and ginseng. We have started this process...we have nothing to lose...

However, today, on the forum, Fertilicare, one of the couples facing a very similar (yet unique) situation were thrown a lifeline. And that was my sign. I called B and said "Lets make an appointment and go and see this Doctor".

So I am going to contact this Doctor...let him know our history...fly down to see him and take it from there. I do not know what answers he will give us...but we have gotta walk this road.

I know more than anything that I want my Bs baby. I do not want to walk the road of Donor sperm and "Should I or Should I not tell"....it is heartbreaking enough to not be able to carry your genetically matched child...but then to endure the other after effects.

The Universe sent me the most lovable, supporting, kindhearted partner...

If it was that good to me...why would it stop now?

XXXX

Forgive my brothers sins

I have just seen the Headlines of the Star today. SPCA is dumping the dead animals at the dump....

I cannot stop my flow of tears....yes, i know my hormones are a mess right now...but, Lord, oh, Lord..why are people not taking care of your animals.

I do not expect everyone to love animals the way I do...but respect live, respect dignity..respect death.

Don't tell me you believe in God and you hurt his world. Not all those crying God God, will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.



My heart is broken. I know those animal babies are not here in soul...but they should still be respected in death...how undignified to be dumped like that


Please forgive me for the sins of others...

No Smoking Allowed at this Party

So it is the 1st of a month...and like I have been doing regularly for the last few months, I AM STOPPING SMOKING. This time B decided to join me....I do not know what possessed us to think that we would survive doing this together. It is bad enough that you have two "Scorpios" living under the same roof....

By mid morning, my B had already buckled....so on top of the Chinese Ginseng in action, came that nicotine kick of his first ciggie in the morning. i think that the only this that bought B off his magic carpet was the whining of the growling, stressed, nicotine deprived, growing PMS psycho...otherwise known as "THE WIFE". You can almost hear the whistling thru the teeth of the good, bad and ugly in the desert...question is "Who draws first blood?"

I am almost at the end of Day 1...and I have taken strain today. I cannot wait to go to sleep and wake up and say "Another one bites the Dust" as I tackle another day on being "A Non-Smoker". There is no way, I am going to pick myself off a hospital bed, holding in my fatal caeser cut...drag my drip..and go and stand in the rain outside in the hospital steel staircase for a "drag of nicotine"..hell no..I have got alot more pride than that. Be gone, nicotine...be gone

On top of the "No Smoking", I have attempted to control my eating habits as well...Stupidity in Capital Letters. By the end of the day, I was gnawing away at the edge of my desk...I frightened my staff when I cried out "Feed me Seymour, Feed me...."

Luckily I raced home..made some pasta and fish for supper....now I feel much better..

Ahh....food....my favourite pastime

Ek's A Dapper Dapper Muis

Tonight B and I are sitting cosily on the bed....I am watching him as he zips through my blog, trying to make me look "super smart" (not much luck, smile)...and then I realised : Tomorrow is one week until my Laparotomy...eeekkk.

I left work early today, went and paid for the doctors bill for next week..had my blood test done and raced home, very grateful that I could miss the traffic. All of this was done in a very robotic way. Do this, then that..slips this into place and postpone that. I think that my mind has kicked into survival mode. I think that this is the only way you control a terrible fear seeping into your soul. I know I will survive. Thats just what I do..i survive!!! Ek's a Dapper Dapper Muis, kyk hoe stap ek deur die Huis!



On a funnier note, I called my sister C this morning and she proceded to give me a lecture about the "New Dog". It went something like "Bratty, you should not be taking another dog...blah..blah..blah". I think sometimes she forgets that I am a grown woman, earning a living, loving a husband....i think she still sees me sometimes as her "Bratty Baby Sister"...but as usual, all ends well. By this afternoon she sent me the most beautiful SMS

It Read "A Dog is the only creature that loves you more than it loves itself"...beautiful, my sister. Thank you very much. It brightened up my day.

Right now, I am hoping to flop my head onto my feather cushions and get a good nights sleep. B has been sleeping very badly since I have been dosing him up with half of Chinas Ginseng...don't worry Angel..just 90 more days to go

Night everyone...sleep tight, let the angels guard your dreams

My Favourite Daddy

This is what I got from my Dad today....brought a tear to my eye..

If I was a star.
I would shine for you

If I was a bird.
I would sing for you

If I was an angel.
I would look after you

but

because I'm just DADDY
All I can do is wish you all the best in life

Another Monday....

So another Monday has come around again. Isn't it amazing how quick our lives go by...how often i wish it away.

I had the most beautiful relaxing Sunday with B. He is busy making me a gate for our garage entrance into the property....so whilst he was welding, I sat and played with my Dog Babies. We were discussing how to integrate our new Jessie into the family. I get very nervous with dogs...for some reason dogs like to bite me. When I was a little girl of about 3.5 years old, a dog bit my nose off (well not completely). I had to have plastic surgery...hence my funny shaped nose. My siblings have such beautiful noses.





This week is going to be a busy week. I have to complete my Companys financials by next week Monday..I have to ensure that all my work is 100% up to date..

I have to have Blood tests done...they need to confirm that I do not have a blood disorder before they operate. I have to go in and pay the Clinic before the operation...I seriously don't know where people get the money for fertility treatment. It is so damn expensive.....As if you need another problem when you cannot have a baby normally.

I just want to get this week over with...i have decided that when i am off, i will have lots of time to think and think. It is the perfect opportunity to see what I really want...good reflection time

So heres to a busy week...

A Reminder of my Infertile Body

I woke up yesterday with a familiar pain in my Uterus...a dull throb of my Adenomyosis. I can feel this little gremlin digging into my womb lining.

It is almost like it is reminding me...hey b___h...i am here to make your life hell. If it is anything like the pain i had last month, shooh...i am in for a rough ride.

However, this time i am armed with painkillers...and hopefully this will be the last month. Soon, it will have been cut out and i can heal properly.

I read on the forum about the ladies in their 2WW (2 weeks waiting until the monthly arrives...ie waiting to see if you are pregnant)...and I am jealous. I have not even been able to have a 2WW...i wish that I could join them in the anxious period.

I feel like i have gone from one "bad" scenario to another "worse" scenario. It is always "after this"...then "oops, just a little while longer"..

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL...

Question of Time

How long is my day while I wait for the end?
Why is it I wish they would simply blend?
Time is against me, yet I want him to rush
He gazes right through me and I don’t even blush

Looks from strangers and friends are more than a stare
Do they know what I’m thinking or should I care?
Where is my mind that I’m feeling so lost?
Oh what was I thinking when I counted the cost?

My body is changing, yet it’s not even me
Have they noticed, can they even see?
I’m so sad right now, yet I was so bold
Was warm before, now I’m so cold

I’m up, I’m down, I’m nothing
Now I’m alone and then I’m floating
Who are you and what do you need?
Leave me alone and let my heart bleed!

Who am I and where are you while this is happening?
Is this what it’s like while my body is ripening?
Please, oh please, oh please don’t pretend
Any more of this and it will drive me around the bend

2 weeks of this life is now far too long
Stay with me baby right where you belong
Don’t go , don’t leave ,don’t run, don’t die
Just wait 2 weeks, oh please don’t say goodbye


Just stay my child , please just stay
what ever you do I need you to stay...

Dear husband of mine

Dedicated to the DW's on this forum - I miss you my man ....

Dear husband of mine, why are you so far and distant,
have you forgotten the initial dreams and how we were so insistent?
Our lives were busy and good while we spoke of a family one day,
A family seemed so simple until we discovered it required more than play.


It’s a new way of life and I miss the way we used to be,
what has changed so much that you hardly talk to me ?
It no-ones fault that we have had to go this way
So why is it that for this I should pay?

You used to hold me and I always felt so secure,
those memories and thoughts are now all so obscure .
I know I'm so focused on trying for our little one
but without the drive I fear we will never get done .

I have undergone so many feelings, about which I have not spoken,
but its all because my stupid body is just so broken.
When I cry in silence and turn my back on you
It’s because I honestly do not know what I must do


Please understand I do love you so very much,
but the last thing on my mind is some of that playful touch .
I’m so afraid that I’ll never hear those little feet run
I’ll do anything for that even though this is no longer fun.

Join me please on this long lonely road,
Just once my honey, help me carry this load.
The distance is great and requires all we are
Love me, guide me, carry me, the road is so far


Hold my hand and don’t let me fall any more
at the end of the day you are still my core
I still love you my man, my man I still love you
I love you, only you

Your DW

Pre-conceived to my unconceived.

Once upon a time in a time in an age where I sought and longed I met someone who shared this with me “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations” Jeremiah 1.5.
Those were the days when God meant more to me than anything…sad how we stray from our path …anyway that is private matter between me and him to resolve in our time and our way.
My point:
Little did I know that one day I would utter similar thoughts…..


You not around, not yet determined and far from conceived,
I don’t even know if you are a boy or a girl.
Yet, we have named you already and don’t worry, its not Nigella or Brianna.
Mommy picked the names, fight with her if you prefer Beulah, Horace or Earl…
But, Yes I agreed, so come fight with me too if you peeved.

Know that we already love you and we wish you were here,
I don’t even know when we will meet.
But, mommy has already planned your first day, sleep, sleep and more sleep
And when you wake up, mommy and I will tickle your feet…
Soon, I’m taking you and mommy home so we can be near.

Wait for us my little star, I see you twinkling every night,
So many stars, yet I know you because of the way you stand out.
Many a night I have thought of you, wondering what colour your eyes will be
If mommy knew how much I thought, would she smile or would she shout?
The time may come when you may fear, don’t little star because for you I’ll fight.


Sleep well tonight my little star I really wonder where you are

Love Daddy

Our New Addition to the Family

Well yesterday was quite a hectically busy day. B and I were up at 6 (on a damn Saturday) and our day began quite quickly. Mom and I raced off to the shops. First, we went Grocery shopping for us...then off to the Pet Shop for the animals food/toys. Next stop was the "Paintball Shop". I had bought B a Paintball gun for his birthday.....it is his pride and joy. I have a fear of guns (thanks to ex husband putting a gun to my head in one of his moments of madness)...so it took alot of persuading from B to get a Paintball gun. As a surprise, i bought him a spare gas cylinder. He was so chuffed. Then off to the shoe shop...cannot buy B something without treating myself...and bought myself a shiny new pair of shoes. Yahoo...i love shoes. Finally off to the local "Spar" to buy meat for a braai....

Got home, unpacked everything....loved the B for a little bit...made lunch....jumped in the car (B, Mom and I)...picked up sister C and her three boys...and off we went to my Cousins Js farewell. My cousin is emigrating to New Zealand.

Got there about 4ish..long drive..took an hour and a half. This is the first time i have been to Cousin Js house...normally we always meet at either Cousin S, sister C or home. We went through the gate and what comes running towards us? The most beautiful Golden Retriever named Jessie....he is absolutely beautiful. B and I could not stop playing with Jessie...the animal lovers that we are. And for some reason, Jessie loved B...(by the way Jessie is a boy).

I asked Cousin J what she is going to be doing with Jessie when she emigrates in two weeks. She did not know...if they could not find a home, Jessie would be joining other dogs on her mother-in-laws farms. Well, that was too much for B.....he pulled me aside and said "I want this dog...he would play nicely with our Xena" (Xena is our German shepherd.). I thought about it for about 1 second...and said "Okay"....B then went and discussed it with Cousin J and husband....they finally agreed that we can take Jessie for R700.00. (apparently he is a thorough bred...hence the money transactions)

I must say B and i were a little pissed that they sold us the dog because, surely, getting it a good home should be the first priority. But, so be it, at least Jessie will now be safe. My Aunt and Uncle pulled us aside and said "Thank you, thank you...we know that Jessie is going to the best of homes". They love the dog but could not take him because they live in a complex.

My sister C growled at me from the other side of the party. "You should be saving for a baby..not buying another dog" (my sister wants nieces and nephews to play with...not furry dogs that lick her face) and then conceded that Jessie was a beautiful dog....so all ended well and we will be fetching Jessie next Saturday....yippee

Jessie will joining our large extended family of 7 cats (Garfield, Missy, Jonathan, Tiny, Brakpan, Jungle Boy and Black cat)...our 6 dogs (3 min pins...Camy, Roxy, Gipsy....1 no-name brand, Sunshine...1 German Shepherd, Xena....and one Chow/Labrador....Butch), our African Grey..Joco...our koi pond and our fish tank of tropical fish.

I know B and I are extreme with our animal babies..but everyone of them means the world to us. We are passionate about animals and take good care of them. The idea that an animal suffers affect B and I...and if we can do something about it, we will

So heres to Jessie...welcome to our family

My Blog is Saving my Sanity

I am so glad I have started "My Blog"....I sit in my office and I feel like my head is going to explode. I do not have alot of friends that I can talk to about my infertility problems. My thoughts jump from nurseries to sperm to "whats for Dinner".

I feel very much like an addict....when i have something on my mind...I log onto my Blog and post it...I feel instant relief.

I have found myself wondering onto other blogsites and feel kinda sheepish at the simplicity of "My Blog"....but then, that is me...Basics! I cope well with Basics...

I am not a woman of fancy words, my English is appalling..Punctuation...well, lets not even go there, but i do have heart. Alot of heart...and what you see, is what is me!

It is just over a week to go before my Laparotomy. I think about it daily..hourly. I keep trying to reason with myself. It is just a "caesar"...millions around the world have survived it. But, then logic falls aparts..and my "Drama Queen" personality kicks it. THIS IS MY CAESAR....it will be worse than anybody elses'...total freak, I know.

Being the family's second Drama Queen is quite a title to uphold. I must say, my sister C, is the top Drama Queen..but she will tell you that I am worse that her...gotta love sister support. It was from C that I proudly earned my nickname "Bratty". My Eldest sister, D, is calm and patient....must be my mothers blood...because anyone who knows us, knows my Dad is a little TROLL. (still love him)

I am still trying to wake my big brother up....smile

Anyway, back to infertility, I have got new pjs, slippers and a toiletry bag for the hospital. I am going to spoil myself and buy a brand new fluffy towel as well. I have received many books for my Birthday...which are also getting packed in.

I am sure my list will grow....I suppose B's paintball gun barrel will just have to wait...Brattys' gotta shopping bug...love u B...smile

Give me your pain

My beautiful B has written poetry for me and i am going to save it on my blog...because they are very special

My DW

Another week goes by my angel with many more to go
How can I get you through it?, I wish I could make the pain go
Your tears are drowning you, you can’t even breathe
All this pain and waiting just so that you will conceive

Your time has become about moments with every tear you shed
My time for you is now about how much blood I have bled.
I can hurt for you ,hurt like you , even be hurt by you
But I cannot be you , be what you are or make you new

Your pain and sadness has become so great and powerful
If only there was some way for me to make you less tearful
I’m watching you sleep now while my eyes fill with water
TELL me someone why is my wife been taken to the slaughter !

Your heart and your soul cry out for our child we have never seen
Just what is it with life sometimes that it has to be so mean?
I will now love you in ways that life simply cannot stop
Because from now on I will carry your pain and your tears until I drop.

Like I said before, soon we will meet the child we have yet to conceive
Of that I am certain no matter how long we bereave
I will always be there for you as you climb, no matter how steep
Sleep well my angel ,sleep well , I am watching over you as you sleep
Sleep well
DH

My Wish for Today

Dear Universe

Today I must send out a wish,
It's not for me but my bestest Friend
Sorrow has become too familiar
Let her know that there will be an end

Today she is seeking clarity
So Let all the stars align in glory
Let peace in her prevail
And let her life become a Fantasy story

T.....sending you love and kisses

Hope you find your answers today...

Contemplating Life

Yesterday was a turn around point for me. After the nonsense with my Directors, i went home, made a good cup of coffee (actually B made it), sat outside on my patio and contemplated my life with B and Mom.

I have always been a firm believer in the Universes' power....long before "The Secret" came out. I am true to my star sign, Scorpio, in that my curiosity about the unknown is intriguing to me.....and to compliment this fascination, my B is also a Scorpio. No-one understands a Scorpio like a Scorpio.

Anyway, i feel that I have lost my believe through my journey of "2009". This has been a terrible year for me...roll on "2010". I have allowed "people" to abuse me. I have allowed them to treat me this way....which is just so wrong. I need to take back my power. Life has hit me from every angle this year...and each time, i try and get up, i am hardly on my knees and then the next blow follows.

B and I decided to put deadlines on our expectations and goals...otherwise they remain dreams. I need to bring them into reality by giving them a timeline.

I need to get back to my "core" and rediscover my passions.

So back to my self help books i go. Back to my soul music. Back to my incense burning and meditation.

One of my favourite artists is Jonathan Butler...the words to his songs always speak to my heart.

At this time in my life, the words to one of his Gospel songs rings true to me

Jonathan Butler - It's Already There Lyrics

You spend your days hoping
You spend you nights wishing
You always feeling something is missing
Can't you see? Don't you know?
You don't have so far to go

It's already there what you're looking for
It's already there, don't have to search anymore
Open your eyes, believe that it's true
It's already there inside of you

You spend your time thinking, you'll never make it
Everyone loves you but your heart's always breaking
In my eyes, see what I see
You're beautiful to me

It's already there what you're looking for
It's already there, you don't have to search anymore
Open your eyes, just let it come through
It's already there inside of you

Keep looking outside yourself
But you won't find it anywhere else

It's already there what you're looking for
It's already there, don't have to search anymore
Open your eyes, just to let it come through
It's already there inside of you


So heres to new beginnings and fresh starts...love alot, laugh alot

Gotta find a New Job

Sometimes i wonder if I am stupid or just plain desperate.

My Financial Director did not have the balls to tell my Managing Director that I will be off sick for the month of December, for my Laparotomy...no instead, he left me to tell him....no surprise I might add.

Anyway, today, i asked my Managing Director for two minutes after our weekly meeting. I explained what I was going in for, why it was important to have it removed and what I would do to assist the staff whilst I am away. He was very considerate and concerned...even went as far as wishing me Good luck

THEN, i speak to my HR Manager...apparently, the MD got her to pull out my HR file to check what I was entitled to. Fortunately, i am way in the parameters of sick leave and annual leave (which I am not about to take for the Laparotomy). I do not abuse my sick leave "allocation".

I do not know why i put up with this.

I seriously need to do something....life has gotta be easier..

Universe throw me a lifeline please?

My Adenomyosis

So heres the deal, I have been diagnosed with an Adenomyosis...I have to have a Laparotomy on the 8th December 2009. I am nervous but a little excited because two of the ladies from the Fertilicare forum will be joining me...so it is going to be one big party in the wards (okay, i know..wishful thinking). At least I will not be alone in the hospital. I have never stayed in a hospital. I do not know which is worse for me...a stay in the hospital or the caesar cut.

An Adenomyosis is a non-cancerous condition in the uterus that can mimic many signs of a fibroid. This condition results from the lining cells of the uterus growing directly into the muscle wall of the uterus. When the lining cells of the uterus bleed at the time of the menstrual period, these misplaced cells in the muscle bleeds as well. And the bleeding directly into the muscle causes pain.

At the present time, the only treatment for adenomyosis is surgery. In situations where the adenomyosis is confined to isolated areas in the muscle wall, an attempt may be made to surgically remove these areas and repair the rest of the uterus. In situations where the majority of the uterus is affected, HYSTERECTOMY may be the only cure.

Well, this is where i am now...my B and I have had lengthy discussions about "What if's?". What if they cannot remove it? What if I need to have a hysterectomy? What if...what if...what if? It can drive you around the bend....Strangely, i am quite calm about the Hysterectomy (if it happens). On this TTC journey, i have come to realise that life is full of surprises. One can never assume that everything will be fine.

I am putting my faith in the Universe. I believe that it will grant me what i need. Someone/something out there is aware of how i have lived and loved. Maybe the love in me was meant to be shared with a child in need...just maybe...

But for now, i have my B....and he is my rock...I love you B

Lack of focus

I started the day with a real Kick...i worked like a little demon this morning. But then, i discovered "THE BLOG" and it really has taken me back to the days of my forum surfing. The only difference is that here i can say what i want, when i want and my heart will not be broken with other TTC battles

My mind is very "roundabout topsy turvy" at the moment. I really believed that B's tests last week would give me a clearer picture of where i am going....alas, it was not meant to be.

I am currently totally repulsed by the idea of Donor Sperm...i don't quite know why...just a few months ago, i was comfortable going this route. Since our new FS gave B and I some hope, all i can picture is my B's beautiful eyes looking back at me through our LO. I have spoken in length to B and our counsellor about how i feel....i don't know...i really don't. Thank goodness i have three months to think about it.

I love my B...so i suppose it does not matter which route i take...as long as he is by my side

My Shiny New Blog

Shoow....i cannot believe i started a Blog...my DH will be so proud.

This is my first entry and I must be honest, i have so much on my mind that I do not think it is possible to cover it in this session...so I am gonna take it slow. Lets see how it goes.

My head is still spinning from our last FS appointment. FS did a TESE on my poor husband. His swimmers are not mobile....so...this leaves us with three options.

1. Try again in 3 months
2. Go ahead with Donor Sperm
3. Abort!!

This totally freaked me out..

I have googled myself into a comma...."WHAT INCREASES MOTILITY IN SPERM".

I have come across a few positive sites that basically state that we need to change our lifestyle and increase Zinc, Vit C, Vit E, Copper and Selenium. At the moment, we are going to try it...we have nothing to loose. Apparently Ginseng is also a good option. It will give my B some vavavoom....I am gonna have to invest in some Rollerblades to escape my lustful husband...smile

So last night, armed with many bottles of supplements, B and I split them into daily containers. It turns out that B needs to take 9.5 tablets daily. OUCH

This morning, like a very good boy, B took his tablets.....my poor baby....

I pray that it works...I would love to hold a little B in my arms