Ek's A Dapper Dapper Muis

Tonight B and I are sitting cosily on the bed....I am watching him as he zips through my blog, trying to make me look "super smart" (not much luck, smile)...and then I realised : Tomorrow is one week until my Laparotomy...eeekkk.

I left work early today, went and paid for the doctors bill for next week..had my blood test done and raced home, very grateful that I could miss the traffic. All of this was done in a very robotic way. Do this, then that..slips this into place and postpone that. I think that my mind has kicked into survival mode. I think that this is the only way you control a terrible fear seeping into your soul. I know I will survive. Thats just what I do..i survive!!! Ek's a Dapper Dapper Muis, kyk hoe stap ek deur die Huis!



On a funnier note, I called my sister C this morning and she proceded to give me a lecture about the "New Dog". It went something like "Bratty, you should not be taking another dog...blah..blah..blah". I think sometimes she forgets that I am a grown woman, earning a living, loving a husband....i think she still sees me sometimes as her "Bratty Baby Sister"...but as usual, all ends well. By this afternoon she sent me the most beautiful SMS

It Read "A Dog is the only creature that loves you more than it loves itself"...beautiful, my sister. Thank you very much. It brightened up my day.

Right now, I am hoping to flop my head onto my feather cushions and get a good nights sleep. B has been sleeping very badly since I have been dosing him up with half of Chinas Ginseng...don't worry Angel..just 90 more days to go

Night everyone...sleep tight, let the angels guard your dreams

My Favourite Daddy

This is what I got from my Dad today....brought a tear to my eye..

If I was a star.
I would shine for you

If I was a bird.
I would sing for you

If I was an angel.
I would look after you

but

because I'm just DADDY
All I can do is wish you all the best in life

Another Monday....

So another Monday has come around again. Isn't it amazing how quick our lives go by...how often i wish it away.

I had the most beautiful relaxing Sunday with B. He is busy making me a gate for our garage entrance into the property....so whilst he was welding, I sat and played with my Dog Babies. We were discussing how to integrate our new Jessie into the family. I get very nervous with dogs...for some reason dogs like to bite me. When I was a little girl of about 3.5 years old, a dog bit my nose off (well not completely). I had to have plastic surgery...hence my funny shaped nose. My siblings have such beautiful noses.





This week is going to be a busy week. I have to complete my Companys financials by next week Monday..I have to ensure that all my work is 100% up to date..

I have to have Blood tests done...they need to confirm that I do not have a blood disorder before they operate. I have to go in and pay the Clinic before the operation...I seriously don't know where people get the money for fertility treatment. It is so damn expensive.....As if you need another problem when you cannot have a baby normally.

I just want to get this week over with...i have decided that when i am off, i will have lots of time to think and think. It is the perfect opportunity to see what I really want...good reflection time

So heres to a busy week...

A Reminder of my Infertile Body

I woke up yesterday with a familiar pain in my Uterus...a dull throb of my Adenomyosis. I can feel this little gremlin digging into my womb lining.

It is almost like it is reminding me...hey b___h...i am here to make your life hell. If it is anything like the pain i had last month, shooh...i am in for a rough ride.

However, this time i am armed with painkillers...and hopefully this will be the last month. Soon, it will have been cut out and i can heal properly.

I read on the forum about the ladies in their 2WW (2 weeks waiting until the monthly arrives...ie waiting to see if you are pregnant)...and I am jealous. I have not even been able to have a 2WW...i wish that I could join them in the anxious period.

I feel like i have gone from one "bad" scenario to another "worse" scenario. It is always "after this"...then "oops, just a little while longer"..

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL...

Question of Time

How long is my day while I wait for the end?
Why is it I wish they would simply blend?
Time is against me, yet I want him to rush
He gazes right through me and I don’t even blush

Looks from strangers and friends are more than a stare
Do they know what I’m thinking or should I care?
Where is my mind that I’m feeling so lost?
Oh what was I thinking when I counted the cost?

My body is changing, yet it’s not even me
Have they noticed, can they even see?
I’m so sad right now, yet I was so bold
Was warm before, now I’m so cold

I’m up, I’m down, I’m nothing
Now I’m alone and then I’m floating
Who are you and what do you need?
Leave me alone and let my heart bleed!

Who am I and where are you while this is happening?
Is this what it’s like while my body is ripening?
Please, oh please, oh please don’t pretend
Any more of this and it will drive me around the bend

2 weeks of this life is now far too long
Stay with me baby right where you belong
Don’t go , don’t leave ,don’t run, don’t die
Just wait 2 weeks, oh please don’t say goodbye


Just stay my child , please just stay
what ever you do I need you to stay...

Dear husband of mine

Dedicated to the DW's on this forum - I miss you my man ....

Dear husband of mine, why are you so far and distant,
have you forgotten the initial dreams and how we were so insistent?
Our lives were busy and good while we spoke of a family one day,
A family seemed so simple until we discovered it required more than play.


It’s a new way of life and I miss the way we used to be,
what has changed so much that you hardly talk to me ?
It no-ones fault that we have had to go this way
So why is it that for this I should pay?

You used to hold me and I always felt so secure,
those memories and thoughts are now all so obscure .
I know I'm so focused on trying for our little one
but without the drive I fear we will never get done .

I have undergone so many feelings, about which I have not spoken,
but its all because my stupid body is just so broken.
When I cry in silence and turn my back on you
It’s because I honestly do not know what I must do


Please understand I do love you so very much,
but the last thing on my mind is some of that playful touch .
I’m so afraid that I’ll never hear those little feet run
I’ll do anything for that even though this is no longer fun.

Join me please on this long lonely road,
Just once my honey, help me carry this load.
The distance is great and requires all we are
Love me, guide me, carry me, the road is so far


Hold my hand and don’t let me fall any more
at the end of the day you are still my core
I still love you my man, my man I still love you
I love you, only you

Your DW

Pre-conceived to my unconceived.

Once upon a time in a time in an age where I sought and longed I met someone who shared this with me “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations” Jeremiah 1.5.
Those were the days when God meant more to me than anything…sad how we stray from our path …anyway that is private matter between me and him to resolve in our time and our way.
My point:
Little did I know that one day I would utter similar thoughts…..


You not around, not yet determined and far from conceived,
I don’t even know if you are a boy or a girl.
Yet, we have named you already and don’t worry, its not Nigella or Brianna.
Mommy picked the names, fight with her if you prefer Beulah, Horace or Earl…
But, Yes I agreed, so come fight with me too if you peeved.

Know that we already love you and we wish you were here,
I don’t even know when we will meet.
But, mommy has already planned your first day, sleep, sleep and more sleep
And when you wake up, mommy and I will tickle your feet…
Soon, I’m taking you and mommy home so we can be near.

Wait for us my little star, I see you twinkling every night,
So many stars, yet I know you because of the way you stand out.
Many a night I have thought of you, wondering what colour your eyes will be
If mommy knew how much I thought, would she smile or would she shout?
The time may come when you may fear, don’t little star because for you I’ll fight.


Sleep well tonight my little star I really wonder where you are

Love Daddy

Our New Addition to the Family

Well yesterday was quite a hectically busy day. B and I were up at 6 (on a damn Saturday) and our day began quite quickly. Mom and I raced off to the shops. First, we went Grocery shopping for us...then off to the Pet Shop for the animals food/toys. Next stop was the "Paintball Shop". I had bought B a Paintball gun for his birthday.....it is his pride and joy. I have a fear of guns (thanks to ex husband putting a gun to my head in one of his moments of madness)...so it took alot of persuading from B to get a Paintball gun. As a surprise, i bought him a spare gas cylinder. He was so chuffed. Then off to the shoe shop...cannot buy B something without treating myself...and bought myself a shiny new pair of shoes. Yahoo...i love shoes. Finally off to the local "Spar" to buy meat for a braai....

Got home, unpacked everything....loved the B for a little bit...made lunch....jumped in the car (B, Mom and I)...picked up sister C and her three boys...and off we went to my Cousins Js farewell. My cousin is emigrating to New Zealand.

Got there about 4ish..long drive..took an hour and a half. This is the first time i have been to Cousin Js house...normally we always meet at either Cousin S, sister C or home. We went through the gate and what comes running towards us? The most beautiful Golden Retriever named Jessie....he is absolutely beautiful. B and I could not stop playing with Jessie...the animal lovers that we are. And for some reason, Jessie loved B...(by the way Jessie is a boy).

I asked Cousin J what she is going to be doing with Jessie when she emigrates in two weeks. She did not know...if they could not find a home, Jessie would be joining other dogs on her mother-in-laws farms. Well, that was too much for B.....he pulled me aside and said "I want this dog...he would play nicely with our Xena" (Xena is our German shepherd.). I thought about it for about 1 second...and said "Okay"....B then went and discussed it with Cousin J and husband....they finally agreed that we can take Jessie for R700.00. (apparently he is a thorough bred...hence the money transactions)

I must say B and i were a little pissed that they sold us the dog because, surely, getting it a good home should be the first priority. But, so be it, at least Jessie will now be safe. My Aunt and Uncle pulled us aside and said "Thank you, thank you...we know that Jessie is going to the best of homes". They love the dog but could not take him because they live in a complex.

My sister C growled at me from the other side of the party. "You should be saving for a baby..not buying another dog" (my sister wants nieces and nephews to play with...not furry dogs that lick her face) and then conceded that Jessie was a beautiful dog....so all ended well and we will be fetching Jessie next Saturday....yippee

Jessie will joining our large extended family of 7 cats (Garfield, Missy, Jonathan, Tiny, Brakpan, Jungle Boy and Black cat)...our 6 dogs (3 min pins...Camy, Roxy, Gipsy....1 no-name brand, Sunshine...1 German Shepherd, Xena....and one Chow/Labrador....Butch), our African Grey..Joco...our koi pond and our fish tank of tropical fish.

I know B and I are extreme with our animal babies..but everyone of them means the world to us. We are passionate about animals and take good care of them. The idea that an animal suffers affect B and I...and if we can do something about it, we will

So heres to Jessie...welcome to our family

My Blog is Saving my Sanity

I am so glad I have started "My Blog"....I sit in my office and I feel like my head is going to explode. I do not have alot of friends that I can talk to about my infertility problems. My thoughts jump from nurseries to sperm to "whats for Dinner".

I feel very much like an addict....when i have something on my mind...I log onto my Blog and post it...I feel instant relief.

I have found myself wondering onto other blogsites and feel kinda sheepish at the simplicity of "My Blog"....but then, that is me...Basics! I cope well with Basics...

I am not a woman of fancy words, my English is appalling..Punctuation...well, lets not even go there, but i do have heart. Alot of heart...and what you see, is what is me!

It is just over a week to go before my Laparotomy. I think about it daily..hourly. I keep trying to reason with myself. It is just a "caesar"...millions around the world have survived it. But, then logic falls aparts..and my "Drama Queen" personality kicks it. THIS IS MY CAESAR....it will be worse than anybody elses'...total freak, I know.

Being the family's second Drama Queen is quite a title to uphold. I must say, my sister C, is the top Drama Queen..but she will tell you that I am worse that her...gotta love sister support. It was from C that I proudly earned my nickname "Bratty". My Eldest sister, D, is calm and patient....must be my mothers blood...because anyone who knows us, knows my Dad is a little TROLL. (still love him)

I am still trying to wake my big brother up....smile

Anyway, back to infertility, I have got new pjs, slippers and a toiletry bag for the hospital. I am going to spoil myself and buy a brand new fluffy towel as well. I have received many books for my Birthday...which are also getting packed in.

I am sure my list will grow....I suppose B's paintball gun barrel will just have to wait...Brattys' gotta shopping bug...love u B...smile

Give me your pain

My beautiful B has written poetry for me and i am going to save it on my blog...because they are very special

My DW

Another week goes by my angel with many more to go
How can I get you through it?, I wish I could make the pain go
Your tears are drowning you, you can’t even breathe
All this pain and waiting just so that you will conceive

Your time has become about moments with every tear you shed
My time for you is now about how much blood I have bled.
I can hurt for you ,hurt like you , even be hurt by you
But I cannot be you , be what you are or make you new

Your pain and sadness has become so great and powerful
If only there was some way for me to make you less tearful
I’m watching you sleep now while my eyes fill with water
TELL me someone why is my wife been taken to the slaughter !

Your heart and your soul cry out for our child we have never seen
Just what is it with life sometimes that it has to be so mean?
I will now love you in ways that life simply cannot stop
Because from now on I will carry your pain and your tears until I drop.

Like I said before, soon we will meet the child we have yet to conceive
Of that I am certain no matter how long we bereave
I will always be there for you as you climb, no matter how steep
Sleep well my angel ,sleep well , I am watching over you as you sleep
Sleep well
DH

My Wish for Today

Dear Universe

Today I must send out a wish,
It's not for me but my bestest Friend
Sorrow has become too familiar
Let her know that there will be an end

Today she is seeking clarity
So Let all the stars align in glory
Let peace in her prevail
And let her life become a Fantasy story

T.....sending you love and kisses

Hope you find your answers today...

Contemplating Life

Yesterday was a turn around point for me. After the nonsense with my Directors, i went home, made a good cup of coffee (actually B made it), sat outside on my patio and contemplated my life with B and Mom.

I have always been a firm believer in the Universes' power....long before "The Secret" came out. I am true to my star sign, Scorpio, in that my curiosity about the unknown is intriguing to me.....and to compliment this fascination, my B is also a Scorpio. No-one understands a Scorpio like a Scorpio.

Anyway, i feel that I have lost my believe through my journey of "2009". This has been a terrible year for me...roll on "2010". I have allowed "people" to abuse me. I have allowed them to treat me this way....which is just so wrong. I need to take back my power. Life has hit me from every angle this year...and each time, i try and get up, i am hardly on my knees and then the next blow follows.

B and I decided to put deadlines on our expectations and goals...otherwise they remain dreams. I need to bring them into reality by giving them a timeline.

I need to get back to my "core" and rediscover my passions.

So back to my self help books i go. Back to my soul music. Back to my incense burning and meditation.

One of my favourite artists is Jonathan Butler...the words to his songs always speak to my heart.

At this time in my life, the words to one of his Gospel songs rings true to me

Jonathan Butler - It's Already There Lyrics

You spend your days hoping
You spend you nights wishing
You always feeling something is missing
Can't you see? Don't you know?
You don't have so far to go

It's already there what you're looking for
It's already there, don't have to search anymore
Open your eyes, believe that it's true
It's already there inside of you

You spend your time thinking, you'll never make it
Everyone loves you but your heart's always breaking
In my eyes, see what I see
You're beautiful to me

It's already there what you're looking for
It's already there, you don't have to search anymore
Open your eyes, just let it come through
It's already there inside of you

Keep looking outside yourself
But you won't find it anywhere else

It's already there what you're looking for
It's already there, don't have to search anymore
Open your eyes, just to let it come through
It's already there inside of you


So heres to new beginnings and fresh starts...love alot, laugh alot

Gotta find a New Job

Sometimes i wonder if I am stupid or just plain desperate.

My Financial Director did not have the balls to tell my Managing Director that I will be off sick for the month of December, for my Laparotomy...no instead, he left me to tell him....no surprise I might add.

Anyway, today, i asked my Managing Director for two minutes after our weekly meeting. I explained what I was going in for, why it was important to have it removed and what I would do to assist the staff whilst I am away. He was very considerate and concerned...even went as far as wishing me Good luck

THEN, i speak to my HR Manager...apparently, the MD got her to pull out my HR file to check what I was entitled to. Fortunately, i am way in the parameters of sick leave and annual leave (which I am not about to take for the Laparotomy). I do not abuse my sick leave "allocation".

I do not know why i put up with this.

I seriously need to do something....life has gotta be easier..

Universe throw me a lifeline please?

My Adenomyosis

So heres the deal, I have been diagnosed with an Adenomyosis...I have to have a Laparotomy on the 8th December 2009. I am nervous but a little excited because two of the ladies from the Fertilicare forum will be joining me...so it is going to be one big party in the wards (okay, i know..wishful thinking). At least I will not be alone in the hospital. I have never stayed in a hospital. I do not know which is worse for me...a stay in the hospital or the caesar cut.

An Adenomyosis is a non-cancerous condition in the uterus that can mimic many signs of a fibroid. This condition results from the lining cells of the uterus growing directly into the muscle wall of the uterus. When the lining cells of the uterus bleed at the time of the menstrual period, these misplaced cells in the muscle bleeds as well. And the bleeding directly into the muscle causes pain.

At the present time, the only treatment for adenomyosis is surgery. In situations where the adenomyosis is confined to isolated areas in the muscle wall, an attempt may be made to surgically remove these areas and repair the rest of the uterus. In situations where the majority of the uterus is affected, HYSTERECTOMY may be the only cure.

Well, this is where i am now...my B and I have had lengthy discussions about "What if's?". What if they cannot remove it? What if I need to have a hysterectomy? What if...what if...what if? It can drive you around the bend....Strangely, i am quite calm about the Hysterectomy (if it happens). On this TTC journey, i have come to realise that life is full of surprises. One can never assume that everything will be fine.

I am putting my faith in the Universe. I believe that it will grant me what i need. Someone/something out there is aware of how i have lived and loved. Maybe the love in me was meant to be shared with a child in need...just maybe...

But for now, i have my B....and he is my rock...I love you B

Lack of focus

I started the day with a real Kick...i worked like a little demon this morning. But then, i discovered "THE BLOG" and it really has taken me back to the days of my forum surfing. The only difference is that here i can say what i want, when i want and my heart will not be broken with other TTC battles

My mind is very "roundabout topsy turvy" at the moment. I really believed that B's tests last week would give me a clearer picture of where i am going....alas, it was not meant to be.

I am currently totally repulsed by the idea of Donor Sperm...i don't quite know why...just a few months ago, i was comfortable going this route. Since our new FS gave B and I some hope, all i can picture is my B's beautiful eyes looking back at me through our LO. I have spoken in length to B and our counsellor about how i feel....i don't know...i really don't. Thank goodness i have three months to think about it.

I love my B...so i suppose it does not matter which route i take...as long as he is by my side

My Shiny New Blog

Shoow....i cannot believe i started a Blog...my DH will be so proud.

This is my first entry and I must be honest, i have so much on my mind that I do not think it is possible to cover it in this session...so I am gonna take it slow. Lets see how it goes.

My head is still spinning from our last FS appointment. FS did a TESE on my poor husband. His swimmers are not mobile....so...this leaves us with three options.

1. Try again in 3 months
2. Go ahead with Donor Sperm
3. Abort!!

This totally freaked me out..

I have googled myself into a comma...."WHAT INCREASES MOTILITY IN SPERM".

I have come across a few positive sites that basically state that we need to change our lifestyle and increase Zinc, Vit C, Vit E, Copper and Selenium. At the moment, we are going to try it...we have nothing to loose. Apparently Ginseng is also a good option. It will give my B some vavavoom....I am gonna have to invest in some Rollerblades to escape my lustful husband...smile

So last night, armed with many bottles of supplements, B and I split them into daily containers. It turns out that B needs to take 9.5 tablets daily. OUCH

This morning, like a very good boy, B took his tablets.....my poor baby....

I pray that it works...I would love to hold a little B in my arms