Welcome to My Pity Party

Isn’t it amazing how the mind works? When your body starts to heal from a wound, your mind takes a little longer. My bruising and swelling is subsiding and I feel a whole lot better…but my mind is still not right.

Yesterday was a joyous day. It was my darling Moms birthday…her 71st birthday. My sister C came over with her three boys. It was wonderful watching my darling nephews playing. My sister Cs eldest boy, J, cleaned my fish tank for me…what a honey….Oh, I love her boys

And despite all the happiness that surrounds me, I am filled with immense sadness. I look back on my 37 years of life. I think about the dreams I had of having my own little ones. I think about the excitement of one day, peeing of a stick and surprising my darling B with “We are pregnant”. I think about us giggling like excited children, knowing that we are going to be parents.

This has all been taken away from me. My body cannot produce children naturally. It will all start with a couple of daily injections into the tummy, followed by another couple into my rear end…followed by a trigger shot. I will then have to go under anesthetic and have my eggs retrieved from my swollen follicles. These will be fertilized in a dish and replaced back in my body after a few days. Then I start my 2 weeks waiting. After that, I have a Beta test done and this will show whether I am pregnant or not.

There is no surprise in this…only a few weeks of living on the edge with questions like

1. How well are you stimulating?
2. How many follicles are there?
3. How many eggs are retrieved?
4. How many eggs have been fertilized?
5. How many eggs do you put back?
6. How will they take?
7. Have the fertilized eggs attached to my “corrected” womb lining
8. And if you happen to get a positive beta, how many survived…could it be twins?

I think what I am trying to say is that….the naturalness of the process has been taken away from me. Some will argue, yes…but you can still carry a child? There are women out there that cannot.

Well, I am not one of those women. But that does not mean it does not hurt. This Assisted Reproduction process is much more than physical. It is about mental anguish.

I am allowed to mourn. The only way to get back on your feet is to allow yourself to mourn and acknowledge how far you have come. I have to acknowledge blessings in technology, allowing me this opportunity. Had I been born in another century, I would have be a barren woman…

I have to start looking at the good things in life. My B and I will be “over the moon” the day they say “Your beta is ….” We will be the happiest, best, loving parents a child or two could have.

A few years ago, I decided to be an egg donor. I donated three lots of eggs. Healthy eggs! If I had known back then the problems I am now having, would I still have done it? Would I have put myself through the overstimulation and egg retrieval knowing that my chances would be so dramatically reduced?

The answer is YES, YES, YES. My life had to follow its route so that I could finally find my B. It led me on a path to finally have someone who loves me more than I could imagine. And if my destiny does not allow me children, then I will have to start looking at another direction to take. I am destined for big things. I just don’t know what they are yet.

I am “me”. I am an Infertile and I will survive