One of my friends on the fertilicare forum has just experienced a miscarriage and my heart is aching for her.....thinking about the pain she is now experiencing. I know that I am not as brave as her. She is one hellava strong woman. She has been through numerous IVF and FET....I just can't go through that. I cannot do it.
I spoke to my darling B about how I am feeling. His response "My Baby, I am fine with that. I will love you no more or less if we don't have children". I instantly felt relieved.
Have I lost my head finally? I think about how much your life is put on "hold" whilst you are undergoing infertility. Everyone around you cannot understand because alot of the conversations you have are inside your head.
I spoke to my Mom about not having children. Her response "My Baby, I love you...you are my baby..whether you have babies or not, I will still love you"
I am so frustrated cause deep inside I have always imagined this wonderful birth and glorious happiness that follows...but now I am in two minds.
All I seem to be focusing on is the pain. The pain of failed IVF attempt, the pain of miscarriages, the pain of the delivery....
All I can see is the good in Not having children. I can focus on my career. I can focus on hobbies. I can travel. I can focus on my Darling B. I do not have to worry about safety and failing school systems.
I have known too much pain in my life. I don't want it anymore. When I met my B I felt that my pain would finally end. At last I could start healing from 34 years of damage. But, it has started again....all this pain...all this disappointment. I just want to be happy.
Don't tell me that no pain/no growth ...cause I will tell you to F..off. I have had my lifetime dose of pain...not only physically but emotionally and financially. When is it enough?
I don't want to feel like a failure anymore. Let me just give up the race before I fail...much easier road to travel.
It just takes so much pressure away....I can start living my life.
And "NO"...I won't fall pregnant if I relax...it ain't gonna happen
1 comment:
hey my friend, Cam once said to me, this journey is different for every one of us. For some, 2 IVF's signal the end of the road, others have the strength to try 9 or 10. It's up to you. There's no rulebook, and it's OK to opt out, you'll know when that time comes. Hopefully you'll never have to make that decision, hopefully your first will work. My heart also breaks for Sophie. It's totally devastating.
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