The Ugly Side of a BFP

I was not quite sure I wanted to blog about this or not...but after it has played on my mind all weekend, I decided to let it out. Hey, this is my blog and my thoughts. You are free to read it..if you do not like it...then click the little X on the top right hand corner.

I have always regarded myself as level headed. Despite my lifes experience, I have always managed to see through the darkness and carry on. I have always given my support to those in need. I look for the good in people. I look for reasons to celebrate life

So here goes...the other night I was very excited to be out with the girls..I was meeting new people. Well to cut the story short..my BFP was met with rolled eyes. Many times during the night, I would speak and my words were met with more rolled eyes. It was not a hidden motion. It was "in my face". I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I could not wait to get home to my B...to be protected by him.

The sad part was I am prepared to overlook this negative reaction because of where they are in their lives....but they are not prepared to give me the time of day because of where I am in my life. They have prejudged me and not given me a chance to be a friend.

I almost felt like I regretted getting a BFP on my 1st IVF....I felt that they felt I have not walked this path for long enough to be classified as an "infertile"....but they do not know me..they do not know the path I have had to walk to get here.

So heres a little summary

1. From age seventeen through to 32, I was involved in an abusive relationship/marriage with resulted in alot of physically, mental and emotional abuse...

2. At age 18 I fell pregnant with my Ex's baby...but had a miscarriage in the second month. Gynae gave me a D&C and inserted a "Copper T" without permission

3. From age 21, I wanted children...I tried for a few years...(all those timed cycles)...only to discover that through my ex's abuse of drugs, was no longer producing swimmers... Up until then, I had listened to people telling me I was the problem.

4. My Ex would not look at Donor / Adoption...therefore at a very young age, I had to come to terms with the idea that I would never be a mother....and let me tell you, that is not easy. We are pre-programmed with "Motherhood" and letting that go is a killer

5. Discovered my Ex was sleeping with half of Durban...so I refrained from intercourse with him for the last year of our marriage....only to discover that he was miraculously producing enough sperm to make a little 18 year old pregnant.

6. Met my B...best thing in my life...accepted that we would probably not have children because he had had a vasectomy. Ah well...thats the way life goes..

7. My B made the decision to give me a chance at Motherhood. He went for TESA which showed he had no swimmers. He agreed for us to use Donor Sperm. Never in my life has anyone given so much to me without asking in return. I was so excited. We booked our first Donor IUI at a Sperm Bank. We went through the Clomid...trigger shot and insemination. Not once did we consider the consequences. After the IUI, I felt Raped...I could feel this semen running down between my thighs....My IUI was BFN..naturally. It was a very emotional time for me.

8. Sep 09 -We went for an HSG...to discover I had blocked tubes..

9. Oct 09 - Had both my fallopian tubes removed - thanks to a sexually transmitted disease from my Ex (and his whores)

10 Dec 09 -Discovered I had a growth in my womb....Had a Caesar cut to remove growth..Was off work for one month...there went any chances of a natural birth.

11. During my time with my Ex..I made a decision with my life. I knew that I was never going to be having children. I knew I had alot of eggs in me. So I decided to donate to others who could not have children....I knew the pain of having to face a childless future....I was not going to deny another woman this. I did this three times...so that is equivalent to 3 IVF's (excl ET)

I guess what I am trying to say is "Yes...you are infertile....Yes....you are battling" but that does not give you permission to treat me wrong. In practice, I have been an infertile for 16 years. And I have gone through the process of 4 IVF's

I can never have that miraculous conception..I have no tubes. I can never have that "natural birth plan". I can only have a caesar. Alot of options have been taken away from me....

I must be honest, I never expected this huge open arm welcome..but what I did not expect was the blatant disrespect to the fact that I am human too. I am not a stupid person who can be treated with contempt through no fault of my own.

I am sorry that you could not see the good in me....because I would have been a good friend to you.

But despite this...I wish you all the success in the world. The funny thing is I was excited to meet you.

But then, we all make our choices as to which road we want to travel...