Has your husband ever done something that you look at in amazement...and think "I am one damn lucky woman"...well my B did something like that yesterday....Sometimes he really blows my mind. He has this ability to zone into emotions like no other man I know..I Thank God daily he let my B cross my path. He has healed me in ways I cannot even start to list.
My B wrote a post on Fertilicare forum....and I copied it onto my blog cause I thought it was beautiful:
Journeys with Casualties of war
All journeys start somewhere..and like all journeys they need to be journeyed.No shortcuts allowed So we joined the site as green as gremlins convinced we were unique, going to see a gynae and get pregnant, how little we knew.And then the fact that there are surrogates, single mothers, rainbow couples, newbies, vets and unbeknown to us, many, many angelsThen the consultations, the treatment the inseminations and the disappointments, and then it happened, this forum gave us support and gave us a chance to survive and above all, HOPE, lots of it.
We healed through the pain and joys of many like us, and then we hurt and healed again. This continuous cutting of old wounds. Psycho stuff!
But as we all know there is such a process, the diagnosis, the HSG’s and the unexpected pain and side effects and them the ambush of what it could do to our relationship and how we related, our priorities changed, our life changed and we didn’t want the change, but we changed with the help of soo many like us here like scared rabbits before a cars headlights..We scattered ,we ran with everyone else and we dropped the vocab referring to rabbits and replaced it with Babydancing and soon we were speaking Fertilinese, not even the German world war 2 code breakers could work out our new language. We were citizens of the republic of Infertiles. Niche status huh ?
Yeah right the pain we endured, shared and felt with and from each other. The tears we shared together ,for each other and alone were countless and soon a mandatory requirement.
Babydancing is such a cute word but at the end of day not really that romantic, more like a “go to the principals’ office” scenario with a required ending as opposed to a happy ending followed by a bum in the air instead of a smoke and a kiss or round two for that matter(whatever rocks your boat).
Finally our Gynae decides he will cut me open to check for swimmers, books me off for 2 days and back to work , well it was not to be. I lasted a half day at work and finished 30 miprodols in 2 days, eventually taking 12 a day mixed with brandy and coke to increase the effectiveness,YEAH I was a buzzing, I would have fitted in well at Woodstock on the 60’s,my vocab reduced to a simple “yo bru”.For the next month our roles in the marriage changed, I was the one who has a “head ache” and said I wasn’t in the mood(God I miss those days)
And then the dreaded “diagnosis”, fibroids for my poor DW. Fallopian tubes that look like boerewors (try bangers and mash after that diagnosis?), sperm with low motility or donor sperm that a generous varsity student donated in some offending medical room... yuk enough of this we will take a break and wait until our next POA.
Yip back in a month and trying again, this time we moved to the Vitalab ,NOW we will get pregnant.And the journey starts again, our first meeting with a doctor who reminds me of the gringe from the books of Doctor Seuss and has a personality of a brick, little DR J (Little did we know he was part of a very big wall).And this whilst all the gals are saying DR V is so gentle and holds your hand when you go under.
Our Dr J was sharp though and he kicked our asses into 21st century medicinal science with more scans and calling in Dr V to “feel” me and agree that there is hope for my swimmers.Oh no they want to put me under again and “explore”.So in I went and they put me under (I was kinda greatful he never held my hand”.
When I woke up I learned they had not cut me and only stuck a syringe in my “family jewels” about 60 times (Fertility acupuncture I call it).I was wise This time and had stocked up on painkillers that would make a big game Vet proud and converted our grocery cupboard into a booze cabinet that would make a township shebeen look like an ice cream parlour. Oddly enough I was up and about in 2 days, weird hey?
My poor DW got the real deal, in for another op and crying whilst she went under and more cutting, removing fibroids, growths and andenymyosis topped up with a bikini cut that only a pathologist would dare to try.And the pain and the vulnerability I saw, my heart broke for that Brat of mIne so often, I wanted someone to pay for that pain, had I been a victim of crime in that period I would killed with my bare hands, I was angry that my baby was hurting. Somehow we got through it because of the support we received.
You girls on this forum dragged us through the pain and into the sunlight. I will remain forever grateful.And then the ray of light when we were told it time for a serious round of TTC.
My babe went on injections, I lived on vitamins and off we went.We would arrive at Vlab WITH our pink bag, all the other girls has the standard VLAB Blue bag (My DW is such a girl .I love her).And then it was the scan as soon as Aunt flo arrived.(Romance .com!).That Dr G is soo funny, I remember the infamous dildo scan and he waved the thing in the air afterwards whilst explaining with his hands the way forward.When he left the room we quickly cleaned up the blood he messed all over the place in his animated chat. He is such a nice guy, we still giggle when we think of it.
I remember the day we went for extraction, I was first and again DR V didn’t hold my hand and again I was grateful. This time he chopped and again I was a casualty. My DW was after me and afterwards we were driven home, for the next week it was me the meds and my booze cabinet, and in between back to the lab for insemination. They had found swimmers and 6 eggs but 5 eggs never made the first day so eventually we went in for 1 egg transferral, then back home to my meds and booze cabinet .
Again you gals dragged us through hell and we made it to the other side.I remember the dreaded 2 ww and the meds and injections and arnica oil and massages .We had stopped watching TV and instead watched the forum .Real addicts we are! Finally it was POAS and after 4 rounds we had 2 stripes, but no it not enough, new word to the vocab(Beta count!!)
Going for bloods and then waiting for Nurse Joy to be joyous and yes we got our beta! We were supposed to be happy but instead we are soo afraid, Everytime we went we were terrified. The last time we went I could see the results for a couple who were next and the beta was <5, I shed a tear for them. It’s so damn unfair!
We were so lucky and now 2 scans later we are 10 weeks preggies and scheduled with a gynae in 2 weeks time. I’m so afraid it will change, but at the same time I’m so grateful and now we are in our 9 months waiting and it is really difficult, but you girls are here and we are not alone. At all times in this process our sex life has had to take a back seat but as a DH I can say it is worth it. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect and love my wife through this.
Every time I hear about a BFN my heart shatters, I cry for you,I bargain with the universe, I cry with you.I am saddened to the core with the pain all the souls on this forum endure and I have shed many tears for you. I wish somehow I had the gift to take all that pain away from you... I’m sorry that I can’t but soo wish for that gift.
There are countless people here who I have gotten to know and who’s journey I follow, I won’t mention you by name, but if this speaks to you it is you.
Lastly I have some words that are far from empty and are entirely heartfelt and genuineOur sisters who started this forum
Sharon You the greatest wise girl of them all and you eventually got your LO, Yip you happy and you have the baby of your dreams and you survived .Because of people like you people like us have had hope and support
MaritzaAlso the old wise gal, eventually you made it to the BFP segment only to lose one and then when the time came for delivery more heart ache,yet you have your LO’s and you too will survive. We can never dream or aspire to posses your spirit.
and Sam, our worker bee wise girl too, watch this space, I may soon have to update your status on this thread because the universe will reward you too ,It’s your destiny as I once said to Sharon and you too will reap your reward no matter how.
If you gals wrote a book together, many more people will gain the hope and courage that you instilled in our lives, and yes I too will buy a copy.
You gals are analogous to love and what it really means, you gave us a chance we never knew we had, and I give thanks for who you are and what you represent.
Finally ,whoever you are, it’s your birthright to raise children, no matter how. Never give up.DH
Pic 3 - This is a typical picture of me and my B....him playing the fool and me just loving him..smile
Pic 5 - My B and I sharing a secret on our wedding day
It is so nice sometimes to go down memory lane and remember how blessed I am ..
I get it C...I whine too much. 
